7 Different Kinds of Stupid

Now, I know what you're thinking: Republican politicians are more than 7 different kinds of stupid, so what's with the title?

This is actually not a post about politics. This is about the following story, as reported on Yahoo News:

PHOENIX (AP)—Shaquille O’Neal will lose his special deputy’s badge in Maricopa County because of language he used in a rap video that mocks former teammate Kobe Bryant.

Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio said the Phoenix Suns center’s use of a racially derogatory word and other foul language left him no choice. Arpaio made Shaq a special deputy in 2006 and promoted him to colonel of his largely ceremonial posse later that year.

So let's review all of the stupidity in those two paragraphs alone:

1) Shaq rapped. (This should simply not have happened)
2) Shaq's rapping used foul language that apparently was more offensive than, say, anything that other police officers have ever said that still have their job.
3) Shaq got fired because he rapped about a basketball player.
4) Shaq got fired from being a police officer because he rapped about a basketball player.
5) Shaq got fired from a ceremonial job that he did not actually have.
6) Shaq got fired from a ceremonial job as a police officer because he rapped about a basketball player.
7) This is news.

These types of stories make bunnies cry.

I Love Summer

Background: Some years back, my friend and I submitted this to a poetry site to poke fun at the generally meaningless poetry people submitted. The responses we received consisted of: "This really touched my heart. Your summer reminds me of some of mine." and "A puzzling piece, however I love the ambivalence of the words within. I get the feeling the speaker of the poem is searching for something worthwhile within the "efficient chaos", and that he/she feels wrong within the world (the chaotic situation the speaker describes being a metaphor for the world today). A struggle for identity perhaps...Interesting piece." Among many, many others. Sad. After recently posting this elsewhere as a joke, I feel like bringing it back here, so at least I'll be able to refer to it with more ease in the future. Enjoy.

I Love Summer

Blood curdling screams of horror and love
Surrounded by thousands of happy, everlasting bunny rabbits
Squashing them to my amusement and dismay
"Mother!" I cried

A well of darkness flows unkempt
Igniting the flame in the sea of my soul
Molesting my fantasies into nightmares
Belying the powers that are unknown

Chasing the end of a colorless rainbow
Illuminated by the candy rope in the tunnel
Rabid kittens gnaw internally
Meowing softly to the music

My scabbed heart sweats pus
A diuretic page of my thoughts
Expressionless chickens mock me
Efficient chaos ruling nothing

Indecisive 'societies' of war
Vanity lies in the grooves of the make believe
Shards of thought, slicing deeper
I love you too, Pippin

Hello, I'm a mac

John Hodgman was on the Daily Show today. He's the PC from the "Hello, I'm a Mac..." commercials. Today, on the Daily Show, he got a phone call. He pulled out his iPhone. I found that ironic.

I have a cold.

So read this instead:

Mitt Romney did not have lawn relations with that immigrant.

Also, from the Satirical Political Report, this line made me laugh:

"Mitchell Report Concludes Bush Should Have Used Performance Enhancing Drugs."

Ha.

Updating the links on this blog

It looks like some of the bloggers on my liberal link list have stopped blogging. The internet misses you.

So I will be updating my links tonight and tomorrow. Want your blog on here? Link to it in a comment.

Man Tosses Puppy From Balcony

He got what he deserved:

Man gets 3 years for tossing puppy from balcony

By The Associated Press

CHARLESTON, S.C. — An incredulous judge sentenced a man to three years in prison for tossing a 10-week-old puppy off an apartment balcony during an argument with his girlfriend.

The puppy was in a soft-sided container, suffered head injuries and had to be put to death.

Javon Patrick Morris, 22, apologized for throwing the puppy off the balcony last March and pleaded guilty to animal cruelty.

"You mean he threw a helpless animal off three floors because he was mad at someone?" Circuit Judge Edward Cottingham asked a prosecutor before sentencing Thursday.

The judge, who has owned nine dogs, said he was obligated to issue a tough sentence.

"There is nobody in this world that can understand that," Cottingham said.

He sentenced Morris to five years, suspended to three years in prison and two years of probation. He also ordered Morris, who will be eligible for parole in 20 months, to get anger management counseling.

"I've got to send a message to all dog lovers that we are going to protect that interest in our courtrooms," Cottingham said.

The puppy (fake artist's approximation)

Today's Humbling Moment

Here's a question: Without looking it up in google, what color is Chartreuse?

I know the answer, so I don't need it from you. I am only asking what people think it is when they hear the color, because as far as I can tell, most people think it is a different color than it actually is.

Ronald Reagan was the devil

Ronald Wilson Reagan
6 6 6

This daily tidbit courtesy of The Boondocks.

You should read this

That's all I'm saying. It's an interesting article:

“Man, you know what would have happened to one of us if we talked to them that way?” said one disbelieving man as he walked away from me and my blank notebook. “We’d be in jail right now.”

Read me. "Reporting While Black."

Um.... What?

From NYT (creepy Lieberman picture submitted without comment):

Vet Extracts Toy Lizard From Real Lizard

JACKSONVILLE, Fla. (AP) -- Seven-year-old Finley Collins thought her pet 12-inch bearded dragon might be giving birth when she noticed an unusual protrusion near the lizard's tail.

But Finley's father, Jeff Collins, feared it might be something more ominous and rushed Mushu to an animal hospital, where a veterinarian pulled out a 7-inch toy rubber lizard.

''I've never extracted a lizard from another lizard before,'' said veterinarian John Rossi.

Rossi had sedated Mushu and pulled on the protrusion.

''The next thing I knew, I was seeing legs and a body and a head. It was very strange to be tugging on this thing,'' he said.

By the time the rubbery lizard's legs began to appear, Rossi realized what it was.

''We were all laughing,'' he said. ''It passed completely through the entire (gastrointestinal) tract,'' Rossi said.

Rossi said bearded dragons, a variety of Australian lizards, often swallow such things as small suction cups, screws and dimes.

They Finally Captured Bin Laden!!!

Turns out, he's a dumbass Canadian Comic! Who knew?

Fuckdiculous story here.

Words of Wisdom

"I personally believe that US Americans are unable to do so because, uh, some people there in in our nation don't have maps and I believe that our education like such as South Africa and uh, the Iraq everywherelike such as and I believe that they should our education over here! in the US. Should help the US should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future for our children."

- Miss Teen America 2007, Lauren Caitlin Upton, Miss South Carolina

Uh... Word.

Bumbershoot 2007

"Fuck George Bush"
- Lupe Fiasco

Great day. Great concerts. I got a chance to see Andy Borowitz, whose work I've been stealing for months when I don't have time to post, as well as an opportunity to see Lupe Fiasco rank on the Bush administration in front of some 25,000 voters and future voters. I also got to watch a comedian make up a new word. In honor of the word "Ginormous" being added to the dictionary, the new word is: "Fuckdiculous"

Consider that the legacy of the Bush White House.

Common Cold Could Cause Obesity

And new studies show that a form of chronic genital warts causes Republicanism.

Full actual story.

Supporting Pop News

I think tabloid writing is a waste of space, but I did find this (don't ask me how) and thought it worth sharing:

From TMZ:

With 543 days left in office, George W. Bush has beefed up security at the White House so much, he's now enlisted the services of one of the most dreaded forces in the Western world -- the Fashion Police!

Despite approval ratings at record lows, the ongoing war in Iraq and a health care system in dire straits, Dubya has decided to take on the very serious issue of -- tour group attire! The terror alert has been raised to: Fanny Pack! Signs have reportedly been put up around White House entrances to remind visitors of the dress code: no jeans, sneakers, shorts, mini-skirts, t-shirts, tank tops, and most importantly, NO FLIP FLOPS! Paging the Northwestern women's lacrosse team!

With the new policy, the White House now has a more stringent dress code than the Vatican! Further proof that Bushie wants only conservatives in his White House. The Pontiff merely asks for covered shoulders, no shorts or skirts above the knee. Holy chic!

I think the terrorists won. Once Flip-flop freedoms have been taken away...

His daughter, Jenna Bush, is less than pleased. But just like any Bush would do, she started conforming to the expectations of the white house as soon as she learned the new rules - by changing into more suitable attire right then and there.

Not the Most Popular Blogger

Sadly, my quest to become more popular than Michelle Malkin is being overshadowed by Xu Jinglei, a Chinese actress/blogger whose blog was named number 1 most visited blog in the world.

And not for all the obvious reasons...
.
Wow.

Have an STD? Tell your Partner, with an E-Card

***Update: Many of you have been hitting this page in google while searching for STD information. While I encourage you to continue to read the article, afterwards try http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/6153430/how_to_tell_your_partner_you_have_an.html?cat=70 for more of the information you're looking for.***

Recently I read an almost frightening article that was in the Washington Post about how more and more people are breaking up with their partners via cell phone text message or email (Britney Spears apparently did that to "K-Fed").

Afraid she may not be the one? Give her an alternate number that forwards to your actual number so if things don't work out, you can just cancel it. Don't want to tell him "it's over" yourself? Use the "Breakup Butler" - a for fee service that lets you choose from several different types of messages: A "kind/gentler break up call", or a "ridiculous and semi-obnoxious break up call" that "gets the point across." You can choose the "Breakup Butler" or the "Breakup Bitch" depending on your preference or the method you wish to deliver the news. The website has a preview of both.

But what about those messages that are simply too hard to do? Don't worry, they have something for that also:

STD E-CARDS Launched in 2004 as a service for gay men seeking to notify past sex partners about exposure to sexually transmitted diseases, the e-cards are now available to anyone, according to Deb Levine, director of Internet Sexuality Information Services, an Oakland, Calif.-based nonprofit that distributes the cards. They are similar to the e-greeting cards sent to celebrate birthdays and holidays, but instead they deliver news of potential exposure to an STD and advise the receiver to get tested.

"It's not what you brought to the party, it's what you left with," one card states. "I left with an STD. You might have, too. Get checked out soon." More than 80 percent of the cards are sent anonymously, and about 80 percent include an optional personal message, Levine said. The Web site gets about 750 unique visitors each day.

Levine said the cards are available free nationwide. But the site requires senders to click on a geographic region before selecting a card. That feature is simply to provide location-specific information for recipients who want to follow up with STD testing in their area, Levine said. http://www.inspot.org

While I support inSPOTLA's goals with the E-card, I do think there has to be a better way than sending someone a fun card with a message that says, in essence: "Oh, by the way - you could have chlamydia."

Breaking up is hard to do. So is telling someone that their genitals may turn green and fall off. But I think we can all agree that it is probably a best practice to live with the mistakes you made and deal with the consequences yourself, rather than let an automated computer program do it for you.

(Photo from inSPOT LA)

Presidential Library Destroyed By Flood

Got this in a forward:

PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARY DESTROYED BY FLOOD -- Crawford, Texas -- A tragic flood this morning destroyed the personal library of President George W. Bush. The flood began in the presidential bathroom where both of the books were kept.

Both books have been lost. A presidential spokesman said the president was devastated, as he had almost finished coloring the second one.

The White House tried to call FEMA, but there was no answer.

Daily Show Daily Observation

I was watching the Daily Show and the Colbert Report today. Is it just me, or do Larry Wilmore ("Senior Black Correspondent" from the Daily Show) and Jocelyn Elders (Former Surgeon General - mention in commentary on the Colbert Report) look a lot alike?

I'll leave it up to you do decide. It may be just me.

Threat number 5: Robots! Threat number 4: Bears! Threat number 3: Robots! threat number 2: Bears! and threat number 1: Robot Bears!
- Stephen Colbert

Crap.

Loch Ness Monster sighted again? My answer: No.

I went to college: "Amateur Scientist" = "Dumbass with Camera"