The Times, Post Intelligence

Horrible Thing The Administration has Done
Subtitle in italics clarifies why we should be outraged

City, Date - Within a time period after the September 11th attacks, a branch of the government did something completely illegal, according to unnamed sources.

The sources, who chose to be anonymous for a stock reason, told the Times Post-Intelligence that under a presidential order signed on some date, the president or another administration official ordered something done to the American people under the guise of 9/11 and terrorism.

"This will outrage the American people," said an administration official close to someone of relevance in the white house, "and so we had to keep it quiet. It was given no oversight." No senior administration officials could be reached for comment.

Caucasian Republican leader of Red State assured the times that "Safeguards were in place to prevent unethical things from happening that obviously happened anyway but we're denying."

But important and slightly more diverse but likely still Caucasian Democratic official told the Times "This is a sad day for America."

"America will not stand by and allow this to happen. We are determined to try and make it look as if we are going to hold the administration accountable only to give up since we can never have a 60% majority and we are also complete pussies. We will hold hearings sometime to deal with this maybe."

Asked about when hearings will take place, the Democratic official responded: "Right away and/or close to elections, if at all."

Some old guy, a professor of something other than art or communications at a prestigious but liberal east coast university, said that while there is some precedent for this to take place, without the proper oversight it will easily be abused and violate the rights of the American people.

"I have never heard anything like this before, and I'm shocked although I'm really not because I'm not an idiot and expect things like this from the administration on a semi-daily basis."

A director of some sort of human rights group and likely a woman to offset all the male politicians was "Some word for pissed that is not too harsh" by the program's existence.

"I am speechless."

Although questions of its legality have surfaced, the administration has shown no signs of halting the program while it awaits formal hearings, siting its necessity in combating terrorism.

"This program has already managed to foil several terrorist plots that the public is unaware of and there is no documented evidence of it foiling. " Said the administration official. "Without it, these foiled plots will go unfoiled, and America will be in danger."

Asked if this would change anyone's opinion about possible impeachment, Caucasian Democrat responded: "Like I said, we're pussies. But we'll certainly hint about it while it is still unpopular."

A white house spokesperson is likely to lie about it at a public news conference by the end of the week.

The Fake News: George Bush Dissents, Fires Self

From the Conservative Republican Associated Press (C.R.A.P.) 04/15/2007 -

WASHINGTON -- After orchestrating the firings of several United States attorneys for disagreeing with the administration's policies, "President" Bush made his most controversial firing to date: Himself.

In the wake of the November election, the 3,000th casualty in Iraq, the four year anniversary of the Iraq war, and the soon to be 1,500th day since the declaration of "Mission Accomplished," Mr. Bush met with Karl Rove and the rest of his advisers to discuss the next step in saving his presidency.

When they left his office 5 hours later, Mr. Bush had fired himself.

In a press conference after the meeting, Mr. Rove told the Conservative Republican Associate Press, "We all agreed it was his only hope - if he wanted to save his legacy, it was time for his tenure to end."

Mr. Bush had little to say publicly on the matter, but White House spokesperson Tony Snow, through visible tears, gave the following brief announcement:

"Every day the Democrats are in office is another day that something is leaked to the press about corruption in the White House. The "President" and his advisers realized that the only possible solution was to end his presidency before more of these stories came out."

Mr. Snow paused to rub his eyes, and after blowing his nose and eating a thick glob that landed on the podium, he added "and there are many, many more that may come out."

[Vice] President Dick Cheney chose to step down as well, and in memoriam chose to spend the day at home with his family and not shooting his friends in the face.

Although Mr. Bush chose to not release a formal announcement of his resignation, the C.R.A.P. managed to catch up with him after he packed up his collection of American Girl dolls.

"Where mistakes were made, the responsibility rests with me." Mr. Bush said after a series of long hugs. "Every day the Democrat Congress seems to find something wrong with my super secret plans. It was time I resignated as honorifically as I can."

His dramatic departure was stalled after the C.R.A.P. informed Mr. Bush that with Cheney's stepping down along with him, Nancy Pelosi would be given the presidency. Mr. Bush had a mild stroke and was taken to the hospital for observation.

In other news, continuing her recent effort to bring freedom to the world, Paris Hilton spread bald eagle.

George Bush's Job Performance Review

Performance Review Form

Employee: George W. Bush	Title: President
Department: Executive	Review Period: March 2006 – March 2007

Job Responsibilities (Employee Comments) Please briefly describe.

The decider. Breaking taxes for rich people. Listening to advice from Dick and Condi. Working Saturdays, sometimes even Sundays. Hard work. Strategery. Listening to the American people. Listening in on the American people. Commandering the troops.

Accomplishments (Employee Comments) Please list your top three accomplishments this year.

1. Surged Troops

2. Pronounced “Micromanage” correctly over 15 times!

3. Kept my approval rating from dropping more than 5 percent during the whole year.

Accomplishments (Manager Comments) Please list this individuals top three accomplishments this year.

1. Fired Rumsfeld

2. Created More Jobs United the American People Successfully Lead the Country Fired Walter Reed Generals Weightman, Harvey and Kiley. I call them the Weightster, the Harvster, and the Kilester.

3. … Found Barney’s rubber ball?

Strengths (Employee Comments) Please list your top three strengths, and after each, give a specific example of an instance where this strength was exemplified.

1. Decidering

2. Public Speaking

3. Good judge of character.

Strengths (Manager Comments) Please list this individual's top three strengths, and after each, give a specific example of an instance where this strength was exemplified.

1. Nickname generation

2. Has nice hair

3. Douchebaggery Attractive daughters Steadfastness

Opportunities for Improvement (Employee Comments) Please list three areas where you could improve and develop performance.

1. Learning to be more of a uniter, not a divider

2. Increase my dictionariage.

3. Watch more Fox News.

Opportunities for Improvement (Manager Comments) Please list three areas where this individual could improve and develop performance.

1. Iraq

2. Intelligence

3. Leadership, decision making ability, parenting skills, open-mindedness…

Goals/Objectives for the coming year. Please include development planning and training (Manager Comments)

Since Bush’s development has stalled due to the drug use in his youth, the goals for 2007-2008 involve pulling soldiers out of Iraq, learning to understand the environment, taking blame for his subordinates and not performing sexual favors for oil companies.

Overall Performance Rating- completed by Manager

[] Outstanding - Performance consistently far exceeds job requirements. [] Successful - Performance fully meets job requirements. [X] Needs Improvement - Performance may meet some, but not all, job requirements.

Overall Manager Comments Suffers form narcissistic personality disorder. Projects blame onto others. Fails miserably in leadership and decision making. Often refers to himself as if messianic. Struggles to understand even basic government principals. Has difficulty firing poor employees. Believes the “jury is still out” on evolution. Often makes annoying farting noises at work and refers to high government level employees with inappropriate nicknames like “Turd Blossom” and “Congressman Kickass.” Made fun of Blind Reporter. Fails to understand percentages when discussing approval ratings. Has difficultly changing failed policies. Tends to hire personal friends.

Employee Comments (optional) I’m the decider. And where mistakes were made… The responsibility rests with me.

Employee Signature

03/31/07 Date

Note: this signature only indicates receipt of the review; not agreement

Manager Signature	03/31/07 Date
God Up-One-Level Signature	03/31/07 Date

Papa Smurf Announces He is Running for President in 2008

On a day steeped in Smurfiness, Mayor Papa Smurf yesterday launched his bid to become America's first blue President with an emotional vow to fundamentally change American politics.

His audacious attempt to win the Republican nomination for the 2008 presidential election has been effectively under way for several months, but Smurf, 542, finally declared what everyone already knew: he's running for the White House.

'I smurf before you today to smurf my smurfiness for Smurf of the United States of Smurf,' he told a cheering crowd at ground zero in New York City. He wanted to hold the press conference in his hometown of smurfville, but the press would be unable to find smurfville unless one of the Smurfs showed them where it is. His audience responded by shouting his name loudly, waving banners declaring 'Smurf 08' emblazoned with a symbol resembling a giant mushroom.

Mr. Smurf, a staunch neo-conservative and generous donor to the Republican party, says the country needs “a good smurfing,” and he intends to be the candidate that will bring about the greatest change in Washington. He reminded the American people of the horrors of 2/12: when Gargamel drove his Toyota Prius straight into the Smurf Center and the cat, Azrael, organized the bombing of Smirfsville. And Papa Smurf reminded America how it was his leadership that brought together the Smurfs during their shock and pain.

Despite the excitement of the crowd, many prominent Republicans are skeptical. Mr. Smurf has had a serious of controversies during his time as Mayor of Smurfville. Most recently Mr. Smurf announced his 3rd divorce, much to the chagrin of the religious right. He also publicly announced his separation from his second marriage at a press conference before telling his wife, leaving him open to attack ads from other conservative nominees.

While he has a strong record of social conservatism, fiscal conservatives are doubtful. “He has not voted for a single tax break his entire time in office.” Said a spokesman for another presidential candidate who spoke under condition of anonymity. “In fact, he may even have ties to communism. He believes in sharing everything and his hat and pants are red, the symbol for a communist society.

“Plus he looks a lot like Karl Marx.”

Amidst all these is his alleged affair with Smurfette, his intern during his time in office. Everyone remembers his famous line “I did not Smurf the Smurf.” But recorded phone conversations and a stain on a dress saved by a close friend of Smurfette named Pathetic Smurf, lead officials to believe he lied.

((There are also circulating rumors that he has a house back and Smurfville made from a Mushroom that is a hallucinogenic. Although since no one can find Smurfville without permission of Papa Smurf, these allegations remain unverified.))

But Bill O’Reilly, the Fox News “journalist” who will be interviewing Mr. Smurf on his program later this week says “[Papa Smurf] is a man who has shown leadership under adversity and shown his people that he can bring them into prosperity. He also looks a lot like a blue Santa Claus, and don’t let the Liberal Progressives continue their war on Christmas by not electing Papa Smurf into office.”

Despite the criticism, Papa Smurf is a front runner in the race to the white house. His minority status may help him garner votes from the Blue population, and his popularity after 2/12 could help carry him into office.

However, Mr. Smurf faces a sharp challenge from Rudy Giuliani, another Republican mayor whose sole claim to fame is capitalizing on other people’s emotions.

Papa Smurf remains unphased by his competition. On his website: DraftSmurf.org, Mr. Smurf told his supporters:

“I’m Smurfed. And I’m smurfed to smurf.”

Sources: The Guardian, Blue Buddies, DraftSmurf.org

Fake News: Obama and Clinton Overshadowed by New Candidate

For months CNN and similar stations have been peppered with news about the two strongest Democratic presidential candidates: Senator's Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama. Thought to be the two front runners for the 2008 presidential nomination, their candidacy has been shaken up by the surprise announcement by the Governor of Puerto Rico, Mr. Eniwon Butboosh.

Mr. Butboosh has entered the primaries as a Democrat, but his campaign is that of the newly established party, the Librocratic party. His announcement comes in the final days before the first debates, and already he has gathered millions in donations from recently converted Librocrats. Mr. Eniwon Butboosh has several key qualifications that make him such a strong candidate:

1) He is proudly liberal
2) He is an outspoken Democrat
3) He is not George W. Bush

Known for his straight talk and self described "lack of Bushit," Mr. Butboosh has already caused some of the less known candidates to drop out and campaign to be Eniwon's Vice President.

Mr. Butboosh's political fame started when he combined the two major Puerto Rican political parties, the Popular Democratic Party (PDP) and the New Progressive Party (NPP) into the current ruling party, the Democratic Progressives Party (DPP) Which garnered 98% of the vote in the last elections. He has also been credit with solving the AIDS crisis, balancing the budget, calming the Iraq insurgency and, more recently, he has gained huge political clout by being neither a totally incompetent fool nor the ex-Governor of Texas.

Mr. Butboosh plans to take the seat soon to be vacated by President George W. Bush, known in Puerto Rico as "El Presidente Pendejo." Although he enters a very competitive race with fellow competent Democrats who are also, likely, not Bush, Democratic pundits like his chances. And many members of the Democratic party have already placed his bumber sticker on their cars:

Eniwon Butboosh 2008

Fake News - 20,000 Troops Fixes Iraq - Mission Accomplished

CR-AP Wire - 02/10/2007 -----

President George Walker Bush successfully solves the Iraq conflict. Just one month after his historic speech, announcing his brilliant and complex Iraq Strategy despite protests by the majority of Americans, the United States has completed the war with Iraq.

In a speech given this morning to the Conservative Republican Associated Press (AKA - CRAP), President Bush announced the completion of Mission Accomplished in Iraq. "We won, plain and simple. Just as I knew we always would," He said with his trademark grin, "my plan of waiting until the most opportunistical time worked perfectly."

Critics of his strategy back in January argued that simply sending 20,000 more troops into a country in chaos was not actually a plan. That instead it was a ploy to make it appear that he had made a change when in fact he had simply increased what had become an arbitrary number of soldiers fighting an unclear objective without so much as a roadmap let alone a specific strategy or mission.

Boy, were they wrong.

"See what the American people forgot is that things in Iraq have changed." Said the President.

"Like what?" Asked a chorus of eager reporters.

President Bush grinned again. "Well, for one, we not only have more troops in Iraq, \we also have less Iraqis. Hundreds of thousands less. Ya see, it's about thinking mathmaticianly. We have less Iraqis to protect, so we send in some more Americans to spread freedom to the Iraqis that are still alive and we solve the equator."

"The equation, Mr. President?" Asked a reporter from the Kansas Intelligencer-ish.

"That's what I said, the equation. We add numbers, they lose numbers, and the scale evens out."

Democratic pundits and bloggers were left speechless.

"We had assumed that blindly sending a small number of troops into a civil war with no objective under the direction of an incompetent impotent idiot would be a recipe for disaster. Who knew?" One liberal blogger said under the condition of anonymity.

Bush responded to this with his usual confident manner: "Ha, what a moron. I'm not blind."

Indeed, Mr. President. Indeed. Mission Accomplished.

Fake News - Iraq a Tremendous Success!

Most of the world agrees that the war in Iraq is a disaster. However, a new group of experts has arisen that has shown the country that the war is a success, it has only been looked at from the wrong perspective.

For example, there had been rumors that there was a glass shortage. But thanks to all the explosions across Baghdad, the sand has been turned delightful and sparkling.

Entrepreneurship has become all the rage, because as the old shops begin to crumble (literally) it opens the door for energetic youngsters with a dream and little bit of cash to try their hands in business.

The civil war raging in Iraq may be tragic, but it is great for their economy. As the Shiites and the Sunni's clash, they will need cars and tanks - large SUVs to shuttle themselves to and from the war zones. And what do these modes of transportation use? Gas. The mainstay of Iraq's economy.

Iraq's growth will benefit more than just the country, but the entire world as well. Once most of the Iraqi civilians have either been killed from the war or forced into exile, the land will be free to be used for almost any purpose. It can become a giant landfill - to keep with the theme of the current state of the country - that can be the area of the world where all countries send their trash. Or it can be repopulated by a mixture of races and cultures to become "America 2 - the sand states." Whatever the United Nations chooses, it is a large area with a considerable number of possibilities, in the heart of the Muslim countries, which have long been an untapped economy for the world's businessmen.

Lastly, although America may lose the war on terror thanks to the growing number of anti-American extremists that are angry against the unwarranted invasion, the view that everyone "loses" is a fascist one - America may lose, but the terrorists have had many gains. Iraq cannot be a colossal disaster considering terrorists have profited heavily with supporters.

Thus Iraq is only a failure when you look at it from the wrong perspective, and as any intellectual will tell you, to truly understand a situation you must look at it from both sides, just as President Bush does.

------------------

Note: This is fake news. Iraq is actually a catastrophuck.

The Fake News - George Bush Tells the Truth

Fake AP - 12/14/2006 - 10:17 PM

Breaking News -

In an unprecedented interview with Bill O'Reilly on Fox News on Thursday night, President George Wtf Bush tells the truth for the first time in his presidency. "I just felt it was time." Mr. Bush said. Through visible tears, Mr. O'Reilly - a conservative Republican and long time concubine to Mr. Bush's testicles - covered everything in his presidency, from No Child Left Behind to No Money Left for Children. From Domestic Spying to the War in Iraq.

"It all started," He said, when asked why he lied about the war in Iraq, "when I found out that I had the penis size of a six year old girl. I knew that the only way to give the impression of girth was to start a war, and I figured 'why not Iraq?' The whole country is made of sand, and it reminded me of making love to Laura.'"

O'Reilly, visibly shaken, tried his best to find a question that Mr. Bush could answer proudly, but to no avail. "Mr. President," he asked "What about 9/11? Surely you did not cause that?"

"Of course not! I had nothing to do with that!" Mr. Bush said, unbuckling his belt to prepare early for his daily Fox News fellatio. "In fact, even after I heard a few months earlier where, when and how it was going to happen, I made sure that I continued to have nothing to do with it!"

On the subject of the poor, Mr. Bush spit on the floor and laughed. Nothing Mr. O'Reilly's suprise, he added "Listen, there is one thing I know. I'm an American, and I'm a Republican. I may have 'experimented' with drugs and homoness in college, but my God loves me. And I know this because he told me."

Composed, Mr. O'Reilly said "yes, we all feel God's voice and that is why we know we are right."

Mr. Bush slapped him across the face. "Feel his voice? No, I mean he talks to me. Through my dog, Barney. He isn't as scary as you'd think, his voice sounds a lot like Cheney's."

"Mr. President, when you got elected in 2000, you promised the American people..."

Mr. Bush slapped him again, "When I got elected? I never got elected, don't you read the news? I thought you were a reporter. This interview is over." And he skipped towards the camera while singing it's raining men and pushed the camera away. Mr. Bush has long been credited for ruining the world.

In unrelated news, two Fox Newscasters were found dead Thursday night. Sean Hannity shot himself in his dressing room and Neil Cavuto's head exploded.