When a man reaches a certain age, his body starts to weaken. He begins to have physical problems. Every day, new drugs, creams and therapies are being created to treat these issues – and their advertisements run rampant on television and in magazines.
One old man that experiences these troubles is [Vice] President Richard (Dick) Cheney. A Vasculopath with a long history of coronary atherosclerosis, Cheney – according to DoctorZebra.com, an online encyclopedia of the medical history of major US politicians – has suffered from multiple myocardial infarctions (heart attacks with permanent damage), moderate left-ventricular dysfunctions (loss of heart strength), cardiac electrical instability (random periods of fast and slow heartbeats), and peripheral atherosclerotic disease (artery hardening). He’s had gout. He may also have angina pectoris (mouth and jaw discomfort due to a decrease in blood flow).
Although the list of medications for the [Vice] President is kept confidential, each problem he suffers from has its own treatment. For his heart, he can take Zestril, For his cholesterol, Lipitor. Trental for his generalized atherosclerotic disease, Lasix for his left ventricles, Zyloprim for his gout, and so on.
But there is no treatment for his poor decisions. He can’t take exlax for his constipated thinking, or fiber to stop the bullshit from oozing from his mouth regularly. He can’t use a defibrillator to shock himself back to his senses, or Cipralex for his depressed intelligence. We couldn’t perform Amniocentesis to predict his retardation, and we can’t give him Viagra for his raging Iraqtion. And now that we’re stuck in Iraq, we can’t unclog his ears with Rocephin and so he can finally listen to what 75% of the country already knows – and even if we could, it wouldn’t matter, because there is no existing behavioral therapy for IraqNo!phobia.
No. The elderly man with the severe Iraqtile dysfunction won’t be helped by Cialis. His explosive Lierrhea uncured by Crofelemer. And his Moronary disease untreated by Abbokinase. And so, like an old dog, it may be time to consider euthanasia.
“The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you.”
--Rita Mae Brown