Political Penis Jokes

This is a continuation of my Gripes list. Click to view posts 1-13 and 14-24.

25) Chuck Norris - Wow, you made a "B" rate TV show and now you're a NeoCon advocate. Congratulations, you're in the company of Arnold Schwarzenegger, Kelsey Grammer, Bo Derek, Ben Stein and Shannon Doherty. You must be swelling with pride. You don't even have your own show, You FILLED IN for Sean Hannity. That makes you like the dung of the dung beetle.
26) Dick Cheney - You are Satan. You are wrong about everything. You started the Iraq war, and you are the reason nothing goes right ever. The only thing that would make you more of the anti-Christ is if you shot your friend in the face. Oh, SNAP!
27) Robert Novak - I'm not that angry with you. I'm just impressed that somehow your parents managed to teach a giant penis how to talk. Way to be.
28) Paris Hilton - So... How you doin'? Why, again, does a person store sex video tapes of themselves?
29) Mary Cheney - Somewhere in heaven, a little lesbian fairy is really, really pissed off at you for doing absolutely nothing while your father ruins the lives of everyone like you.
30) Dinesh D'Souza - I'm wondering, after you apparently purposely dated Ann Coulter, did your penis shrivel up and die like the wicked witch of the east? Like salt on a slug? Like dehydrated grapes? You chose to date her. You're no longer allowed to make decisions.
31) Abraham Lincoln - That's right, you're not beyond my wrath. Because you freed the slaves some 150 years ago, Republicans use your name as their way of insisting that they are not racist. Please come back to life and explain to them that "conservative" and "Republican" are not synonymous.
32) People who make racist statements because they know a minority - Listen, dude, just because you "have a gay friend" doesn't mean it's okay to make a homophobic epithets. Stop using your one friend that you think you grace with your friendship (though who, in actuality, probably doesn't like you much) as your way of justifying your incredibly bigoted remarks. Congratulations, you know a minority. Shut the hell up.
33) Alex Rodriguez - I didn't like you when you were a rookie, I didn't like you as you became famous, I don't like you now. Your being a Republican only makes me feel more justified. the only thing lower than my opinion of you is your September batting average. Way to sell out.
34) Glenn Beck - ...... SHUUUUUUUUUUTTTTTTTTTTTT UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP.
35) Peyton Manning - Listen, the only reason I was rooting for you tomorrow in the Super Bowl is because you throw well. But believe me, when I found out you were a Republican, it sucked a lot of the fun out of it. Go Bears.
36) Joe Scarborough - I don't mind you, especially because in your entire life you have only donated money to Democratic candidates. But you really need to stop making your show a "Best of" clip show of the Colbert Report and The Daily Show. You're supposed to be the conservative. Represent.
37) Rudy Giuliani - You were a mayor. All you did was run a large city - poorly - hate the homeless, and happened to be in charge during one of the worst events in America's history. Way to milk a horrible tragedy for your own personal gain. Question: Does anyone actually want a president who couldn't decide whether or not to run, because he wasn't sure whether he'd rather pursue his business ventures? No?
38) The Man from Nantucket - I once met you. You never call anymore.
39) Movies about 9/11 - It's been 5 years. Stop capitalizing on other people's emotions.
40) Geraldo Rivera - Where are you? Oh, that's right. You're at large. First your brain and then you.
41) Conrad Burns - So... How is Bush's super secret plan that he totally has going? Good?

I'm running out of rants for today. More soon.

The Abusive Lesbian Nun

With the execution of Saddam Hussein, a whole lot has not happened. We haven't completed the war, we haven't solved the Shiite, Sunni conflict, and we haven't stepped foot in Darfur. So I consider it a slow news day.

Continued from my previous post, the tirade continues below:

14) Ann Coulter - You're like elephantiasis. You're a worm that enters my lymph nodes through food and makes my testicles swell with toxic fluids. Your only redeeming quality is that you're already a sandy vagina, so there are no surprises in the bedroom. At least you don't have spawn.
15) Michelle Malkin - What a waste. So pretty, and yet, so wrong about everything. Luckily, I wouldn't need to hear you speak. I could just listen to Republican propaganda on repeat and I have basically your entire half of the conversation.
16) George Allen - Let me tell you how shocked I was to find out that a prominent member of the Republican party was racist. I macacan't control my surprise.
17) Conrad Burns - So... how's that super secret plan that going?
18) Kansas - ... that's all.
19) Members of the College Republicans - Daddy paid for college, daddy paid for your car, daddy brainwashed you to be a closed minded closet homosexual. If you have school loans, you support a democratic government. Period. Sorry to burst your incredibly small bubble.
20) People who walk up escalators - Why? They bring you up to where you're going. It's like walking towards the front of the plane because you hope it will get you their faster. The escalator carries you to your destination. That's their job. If you're walking up them, why did you not just take the stairs? Did you need the additional 3 seconds you save?
21) People who are against gay marriage - Stop blaming the gays because you're stuck in a crappy relationship. It's your fault for marrying a fellow Republican.
22) Apolitical people - So... your not voting killed about 3000 people in Iraq. Good job. At least the Republicans took time out of their day to make their poor decision.
23) Flip Murray - You're a ball hog. Stop dribbling and pass. If you're even in the game, it's because you've already lost.
24) Fox News - Simply taking away the "liberal bias" from your station doesn't make you moderate, objective news. I do admit there is a liberal bias in the media, it's called "Reality" and it's blatantly anti-Republican.

The list will continue sometime in the future. Keep your comments coming.

Finally - A Post Not About Iraq

This blog has only been about Iraq recently, but that is unintentional because I care about politics in general, not simply the failed administration. Because of this, I'm going to post a lot of gripes below:

1. John McCain - I don't appreciate Senators who sell their soul to idealistic fascists only to get a nod from Evangelical leaders. You were once considered the "Maverick Moderate" and now, you're more of a political prostitute. I also want to reiterate that I still would not have voted for you because you are a Republican. There is no such thing as voting "for the candidate." It's impossible, because with a two party system the candidate is almost meaningless. Bush may be the worst president ever, but it's his conservative and Republican policies that screwed up the country, not the stupid smirk he has when he is giving a speech on the problems in Iraq. So no, even if he were still Moderate, I don't vote for people who believe cutting taxes is how you save a failing economy.
   
2. Ralph Nader - Your whole platform is "I'm not a Republican or a Democrat." Almost anyone who voted for you in 2000 only voted for you not because you are a good candidate but because they don't like the Democrats and the Republicans because the represent the evil government. Sorry, but you haven't shown me he can do anything other than complain. Plus, your face looks funny. If your face is posted on the dollar, it would lose even more value.
3. Spokane, Washington - Dude, you're not important, stop making people believe Washington is a swing state just because you believe you should be making more money from your potato business. King County is the only reason this state is prosperous, Seattle has one of the most educated populations in the world, perhaps we may know more about politics than you.
4. California - I'm serious, you voted for Arnold Schwarzenegger again? I don't know what to say.
   
5. Wyoming - I don't think you deserve two senators. You can have a congressional Page at best. I heard Foley is gone so you have less to worry about.
   
6. People Who Clap After Movies - That's not political it just really pisses me off.
7. John Kerry - SHUUUUUUUUT UUUUUUP. I used to like you, but now you need to stop talking.
   
8. Elizabeth Dole - You ever experience that burning sensation in your anus after you had too much spicy foods the night before? I feel that every time I see you talking. Stop ruining life for the people who still have time left to live.
9. Messianic Jews/Jews for Jesus - .......Sorry, no. Just no. My "Catholics for Vishnu" friend agrees.
   
10. Sean Hannity - You'd be surprised how poor an argument tactic it is to start laughing like an idiot every time you don't know how to respond to an actual statement of substance from a Democrat. It would be demeaning, except that would imply you have some sort of value that, sadly, you don't have. Every morning when I take my dog for a walk, I think I pick you up with a plastic bag and stick you in the trash can next to the bus stop. But no, it can't be you, the contents of the bag hold more weight.
11. Neil Cavuto - 'nuff said.
    
12. Bill O'Reilly - Contrary to popular (aka your) belief, you don't matter.
    
13. Jack Abramoff - You know, almost 89% of the Jewish people are liberal. Thanks for reminding us why.
    

The list goes on...