On a day steeped in Smurfiness, Mayor Papa Smurf yesterday launched his bid to become America's first blue President with an emotional vow to fundamentally change American politics.
His audacious attempt to win the Republican nomination for the 2008 presidential election has been effectively under way for several months, but Smurf, 542, finally declared what everyone already knew: he's running for the White House.
'I smurf before you today to smurf my smurfiness for Smurf of the United States of Smurf,' he told a cheering crowd at ground zero in New York City. He wanted to hold the press conference in his hometown of smurfville, but the press would be unable to find smurfville unless one of the Smurfs showed them where it is. His audience responded by shouting his name loudly, waving banners declaring 'Smurf 08' emblazoned with a symbol resembling a giant mushroom.
Mr. Smurf, a staunch neo-conservative and generous donor to the Republican party, says the country needs “a good smurfing,” and he intends to be the candidate that will bring about the greatest change in Washington. He reminded the American people of the horrors of 2/12: when Gargamel drove his Toyota Prius straight into the Smurf Center and the cat, Azrael, organized the bombing of Smirfsville. And Papa Smurf reminded America how it was his leadership that brought together the Smurfs during their shock and pain.
Despite the excitement of the crowd, many prominent Republicans are skeptical. Mr. Smurf has had a serious of controversies during his time as Mayor of Smurfville. Most recently Mr. Smurf announced his 3rd divorce, much to the chagrin of the religious right. He also publicly announced his separation from his second marriage at a press conference before telling his wife, leaving him open to attack ads from other conservative nominees.
While he has a strong record of social conservatism, fiscal conservatives are doubtful. “He has not voted for a single tax break his entire time in office.” Said a spokesman for another presidential candidate who spoke under condition of anonymity. “In fact, he may even have ties to communism. He believes in sharing everything and his hat and pants are red, the symbol for a communist society.
“Plus he looks a lot like Karl Marx.”
Amidst all these is his alleged affair with Smurfette, his intern during his time in office. Everyone remembers his famous line “I did not Smurf the Smurf.” But recorded phone conversations and a stain on a dress saved by a close friend of Smurfette named Pathetic Smurf, lead officials to believe he lied.
((There are also circulating rumors that he has a house back and Smurfville made from a Mushroom that is a hallucinogenic. Although since no one can find Smurfville without permission of Papa Smurf, these allegations remain unverified.))
But Bill O’Reilly, the Fox News “journalist” who will be interviewing Mr. Smurf on his program later this week says “[Papa Smurf] is a man who has shown leadership under adversity and shown his people that he can bring them into prosperity. He also looks a lot like a blue Santa Claus, and don’t let the Liberal Progressives continue their war on Christmas by not electing Papa Smurf into office.”
Despite the criticism, Papa Smurf is a front runner in the race to the white house. His minority status may help him garner votes from the Blue population, and his popularity after 2/12 could help carry him into office.
However, Mr. Smurf faces a sharp challenge from Rudy Giuliani, another Republican mayor whose sole claim to fame is capitalizing on other people’s emotions.
Papa Smurf remains unphased by his competition. On his website: DraftSmurf.org, Mr. Smurf told his supporters:
“I’m Smurfed. And I’m smurfed to smurf.”
Sources: The Guardian, Blue Buddies, DraftSmurf.org