Friday, August 31, 2007

NBC Launches "To Catch a Senator"

This is really, really funny. I only wish it were true.

From the Borowitz Report:

NBC Launches ‘To Catch a Senator’
Chris Hansen to Stake Out Airport Bathrooms

“Dateline,” the NBC newsmagazine which has scored big ratings for its “To Catch a Predator” investigations, announced today that it would introduce a new investigative series this fall, entitled “To Catch a Senator.”

At a press conference in New York, NBC News president Steve Capus said that “To Catch a Senator” would focus the “Dateline” investigation team’s energies on “the number one menace in America today: pervy Republican senators.”

While he indicated that plans for the program are still being developed, Mr. Capus said that “To Catch a Senator” would use an airport bathroom as the nerve center for its sting operation.

Specifically, he said that the program would deploy “Predator” host Chris Hansen as a decoy to lure depraved senators into lewd contact.

“Chris will be waiting in one of the bathroom stalls, and when the senator taps on the wall, Chris will kind of pop out of the stall and start grilling him,” Mr. Capus said. “We’ll nail that bastard faster than he can say ‘I’m not gay.’”

But even as NBC trumpeted its latest “Dateline” spin-off, industry insiders wondered whether there would be an adequate supply of sex-crazed senators to keep the program going for more than a few episodes.

For his part, Mr. Capus brushed off such concerns, telling reporters, “As long as there are Republican senators out there who oppose gay marriage, there will always be plenty of pervs.”

Elsewhere, President Bush praised Pakistan’s General Pervez Musharraf for agreeing to stand for election, saying, “If free and fair elections work in Pakistan, we may eventually try them here.”

If you take the image I made, remember to source me.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves

At this point, I'd be more surprised if a Republican congressman WASN'T a repressed homosexual.

From AOLnews:

WASHINGTON (Aug. 27) — Senator Larry E. Craig, Republican of Idaho, was arrested in June by an undercover police officer in a men’s bathroom at Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport, and pleaded guilty to disorderly conduct in the case three weeks ago.

Mr. Craig, 62, was fined more than $500 and placed on unsupervised probation for a year. A 10-day jail sentence was suspended, according to a copy of a court document in the case. A second charge, interference with privacy, was dismissed.

According to a police report obtained by the Capitol Hill newspaper Roll Call, which disclosed the episode and the guilty plea Monday, a plainclothes police officer investigating complaints of sexual activity in the bathroom arrested the senator on June 11 after what the officer described as sexual advances made by Mr. Craig from an adjoining stall.

By Roll Call’s account, the officer said Mr. Craig had tapped his foot, in what the officer called a known signal to engage in lewd conduct, and had also brushed his foot against the investigator’s and waved his hand under the stall divider several times before the officer showed him his badge. After the arrest the senator denied any sexual intent, and in a statement issued Monday afternoon he attributed the matter to a misunderstanding.

“At the time of this incident, I complained to the police that they were misconstruing my actions,” Mr. Craig said in the statement. “I was not involved in any inappropriate conduct.

“I should have had the advice of counsel in resolving this matter. In hindsight, I should not have pled guilty. I was trying to handle this matter myself quickly and expeditiously.”

Mr. Craig also severed ties Monday with the Republican presidential campaign of Mitt Romney, in which he had been serving as a co-liaison to the Senate with Senator Robert F. Bennett of Utah. The Romney campaign issued a statement that said: “Senator Craig has stepped down from his role with the campaign. He did not want to be a distraction, and we accept his decision.”

Anyone surprised? Show of hands?

Friday, August 24, 2007

General's Aid is Sick Blogger

Umm... I just write a liberal blog. From the AP:

General's aide on leave over Web site
By Thomas Peele
Contra Costa Times

The California National Guard has placed on leave the personal assistant to its top general and started an investigation after questions were raised about a Web site he maintains that advocates mass violence.

"I, honestly, would like nothing more than to assist in the wholesale slaughter of every idiot on the face of the planet," Senior Airman Travis Gruber, of Sacramento, Calif., writes on the site, In other postings and in a related blog, Gruber denigrates African Americans, Jews, Asians, women, gays and people with physical disabilities.

Until Wednesday, Gruber was the personal assistant and driver to Maj. Gen. William Wade, the Guard's commanding officer. The job, which Gruber had filled for more than a year, gave him access to the state's leaders, such as Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger, whom he trashed in a posting that questions the governor's intelligence. Military law forbids soldiers from using "contemptuous words" about civilian leaders.

In honor of Gruber's inflated ego, here is a stick figure fight from YouTube:

Thursday, August 23, 2007

The Times, Post Intelligence

Horrible Thing The Administration has Done
Subtitle in italics clarifies why we should be outraged

City, Date - Within a time period after the September 11th attacks, a branch of the government did something completely illegal, according to unnamed sources.

The sources, who chose to be anonymous for a stock reason, told the Times Post-Intelligence that under a presidential order signed on some date, the president or another administration official ordered something done to the American people under the guise of 9/11 and terrorism.

"This will outrage the American people," said an administration official close to someone of relevance in the white house, "and so we had to keep it quiet. It was given no oversight." No senior administration officials could be reached for comment.

Caucasian Republican leader of Red State assured the times that "Safeguards were in place to prevent unethical things from happening that obviously happened anyway but we're denying."

But important and slightly more diverse but likely still Caucasian Democratic official told the Times "This is a sad day for America."

"America will not stand by and allow this to happen. We are determined to try and make it look as if we are going to hold the administration accountable only to give up since we can never have a 60% majority and we are also complete pussies. We will hold hearings sometime to deal with this maybe."

Asked about when hearings will take place, the Democratic official responded: "Right away and/or close to elections, if at all."

Some old guy, a professor of something other than art or communications at a prestigious but liberal east coast university, said that while there is some precedent for this to take place, without the proper oversight it will easily be abused and violate the rights of the American people.

"I have never heard anything like this before, and I'm shocked although I'm really not because I'm not an idiot and expect things like this from the administration on a semi-daily basis."

A director of some sort of human rights group and likely a woman to offset all the male politicians was "Some word for pissed that is not too harsh" by the program's existence.

"I am speechless."

Although questions of its legality have surfaced, the administration has shown no signs of halting the program while it awaits formal hearings, siting its necessity in combating terrorism.

"This program has already managed to foil several terrorist plots that the public is unaware of and there is no documented evidence of it foiling. " Said the administration official. "Without it, these foiled plots will go unfoiled, and America will be in danger."

Asked if this would change anyone's opinion about possible impeachment, Caucasian Democrat responded: "Like I said, we're pussies. But we'll certainly hint about it while it is still unpopular."

A white house spokesperson is likely to lie about it at a public news conference by the end of the week.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Common Cold Could Cause Obesity

And new studies show that a form of chronic genital warts causes Republicanism.

Full actual story.

Sunday, August 19, 2007

U.S. To Re-Hang Saddam Hussein

Was blogger down yesterday? It would not let me log in or view my website.

Anyway, since I was unable to write anything, and I will be out this afternoon, here is some satire from the Onion:

U.S. To Re-Hang Saddam Hussein

WASHINGTON, DC—Calling last December's execution of Saddam Hussein "anticlimactic," White House officials announced Monday their intention to hang the late Iraqi dictator again this year in an attempt to garner a more favorable response from the public.

"We're really looking for something that will refocus the American people's attention on all the positive aspects of this war," White House press secretary Tony Snow said. "We were counting on the death of this brutal despot—who, by the way, gassed his own people and was just like Hitler—to be a major media event for us. Instead, we wasted three or four great news days at a time when we really could have used a few high points."

Most observers considered Hussein's execution, which was carried out by Iraq's interim government and broadcast in grainy, amateur footage, to be creepy, gruesome, and generally lacking the sense of triumphant catharsis authorities had hoped for.

To remedy the public relations failure, Hussein's body has been dug up from its burial place near Tikrit and wired together by U.S. Army forensic experts to ensure that it holds its shape during the ceremony. The re-hanging, which will be aired on all major networks and accompanied by a 30-minute retrospective highlighting the many reasons why Hussein was a terrible person deserving of this ignoble end, will be "brighter, cheerier, and more upbeat," than the first attempt.

"We're going to have superior production values, inspiring music, and live, prime-time coverage straight from Baghdad," said the State Department's media coordinator, Ellen Grainer. "[Hussein's body] has decomposed so much that his remains will have to be wrapped in canvas and covered up, but we plan to display a full-color oversized photo of him directly behind the gallows. That should have a real impact on viewers. We're pulling out all the stops to make sure we get the feel-good media moment everyone's looking for."

Grainer echoed the sentiments of several Defense Department officials who believe the U.S. should never have handed over a high-profile hanging to the Iraqi people in the first place. According to Defense Secretary Robert Gates, the two biggest miscalculations were allowing such a low-quality presentation to be associated with the American military, and timing the execution to take place around Christmas.

"The thinking was that Americans who missed their loved ones overseas would appreciate an emotional boost around that time," Gates said. "But apparently, people didn't think the holiday season set an appropriate mood for a public execution."

"If we could have hanged Osama bin Laden, that would have been ideal," Gates added. "Obviously, though, you have to catch someone to be able to legally murder them, so we're just making the most of what we've got."

It remains to be seen whether public reaction will be more enthusiastic this time around.

"After watching the first hanging, I felt kind of sickened and empty inside," Iowa resident Ted Froman, 38, said. "But with all the violence that's going on over there at the moment, it would be nice to see something done right."

In the event that the execution fails to create the desired positive effect, authorities said they would not rule out hanging Hussein a third or even a fourth time, if necessary.

Friday, August 17, 2007

Contractor scams 20.5M from Pentagon

But government still won't spend money on Stem Cell Research.

From the Seattle Times:

Contractor scams $20.5M from Pentagon

A South Carolina defense contractor pleaded guilty Thursday to bilking the Pentagon out of $20.5 million over nearly 10 years by adding hundreds of thousands of dollars to the cost of shipping spare parts such as metal washers and lamps.

The parts were bound for key military installations, including those in Iraq and Afghanistan. In one instance, in 2006, the government paid C&D Distributors $998,798 in transportation costs for shipping two 19-cent washers. Charlene Corley, 47, co-owner of C&D Distributors, used the money to pay for luxury homes, cars, plastic surgery and jewelry, according to court documents in Columbia, S.C.

"It is a troubling case because the fraud took place during a time of war," said Kevin McDonald, the first assistant U.S. attorney for South Carolina. The $20 million "that could have gone to assist our military was diverted and used in a fraudulent manner for excessive personal enjoyment."

C&D supplied small hardware, plumbing fixtures and electronics to the military, according to court records. The company used a government system that fast-tracked items to priority military installations. C&D submitted the shipping costs separately and the system paid them automatically, the documents said.

The Pentagon paid 112 of the fraudulent invoices until the scheme was detected last September, according to the documents. Since then, steps have been taken to improve the system's internal controls, said a Pentagon spokesman, Lt. Col. Brian Maka.

Among the invoices:

• A 2004 order for a single $8.75 elbow pipe that was shipped for $445,640, according to the documents.

• Also that year, a $10.99 machine thread plug was shipped for $492,096.

• Last year, six machine screws worth a total of $59.94 were shipped at a cost of $403,436.

Corley acknowledged her role in the fraud but maintains that her twin sister, co-owner of the business, was the main benefactor, said her attorney, Greg Harris. The sister, Darlene Corley, committed suicide last October after being approached by federal investigators, according to a statement from the U.S. Attorney's Office.

"We do not dispute that we participated and benefited in and from the conspiracy," Harris said. "We have, however, always maintained that her sister was the primary actor in this fraud, the primary beneficiary of this fraud, and unfortunately she is not here today to assist us in distinguishing their roles in the fraud."

Corley is hoping to reduce her potential prison time — 20 years each for two counts of conspiracy — by continuing to cooperate with authorities, Harris said. "Over the past eight months, we have assisted the government with identifying, maintaining and liquidating assets purchased with monies from this fraud," he said. "We will continue to do this during the coming months."

Among the items Corley and C&D will forfeit, according to court documents, are six pieces of property, a bank account with $2.6 million in cash and 10 vehicles, including a 2007 BMW and a Mercedes.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

You don't know Dick

"I been shaking and acting a donkey tryna to get you and that monkey"
-- E-40, T-Pain

Monday, August 13, 2007

Karl Rove Leaves the White House

Karl Rove resigned today, but sadly not as we all wished he had:

Late Edit: What today's resignation means is that Bush no longer has his brain. But, arguably, that's been true for some years now.

Badum Bum Ching

Back From Vacation

First I have a statement to make about Amtrak -

I was on a train that was supposed to arrive at 9:00 PM and did not get me to my destination until 1:30 in the morning. Trains are late, I get that. But in this case, the train actually cannot be on time. This is because Amtrak rents their train track from a freight train company, and that company, obviously, uses the track. Hourly. There is a train that passes every 1 or two hours, and every time it passes we have to wait for it to pass. But their estimated train times are based on a straight shoot, from Seattle to LA, if there are no interruptions. Why? There cannot be no interruptions. It's actually impossible. The freight trains come every 2 hours. That's what they do. So why did they even pretend they could get us there at 9:00 PM? Why not tell us we can get there at 1:00 AM and let us be super-happy? By getting us there at 1:00 AM, we had to call the people who were supposed to pick us up fairly consistently to tell them how late we were going to be, along with profuse apologies and a negative taste in our mouths about Amtrak's quality of service. Had they told us we would be there at 1:00 AM, so we knew about it ahead of time, we could have planned accordingly, and been very, very pleased if we arrive early.


Sunday, August 5, 2007

Going on vacation

I will be back on the 12th. Don't know if I will post anything while I'm there. Until then, amuse yourself with this awesome video from YouTube

Be amazed. Watch it twice.

Thursday, August 2, 2007

You smell like FEMA

This was someone else's joke:

Bush offers to send help to the victims of the Minnesota bridge disaster.

"Uh... please don't" responded the victims.