Saturday, February 3, 2007

Political Penis Jokes

This is a continuation of my Gripes list. Click to view posts 1-13 and 14-24.

25) Chuck Norris - Wow, you made a "B" rate TV show and now you're a NeoCon advocate. Congratulations, you're in the company of Arnold Schwarzenegger, Kelsey Grammer, Bo Derek, Ben Stein and Shannon Doherty. You must be swelling with pride. You don't even have your own show, You FILLED IN for Sean Hannity. That makes you like the dung of the dung beetle.
26) Dick Cheney - You are Satan. You are wrong about everything. You started the Iraq war, and you are the reason nothing goes right ever. The only thing that would make you more of the anti-Christ is if you shot your friend in the face. Oh, SNAP!
27) Robert Novak - I'm not that angry with you. I'm just impressed that somehow your parents managed to teach a giant penis how to talk. Way to be.
28) Paris Hilton - So... How you doin'? Why, again, does a person store sex video tapes of themselves?
29) Mary Cheney - Somewhere in heaven, a little lesbian fairy is really, really pissed off at you for doing absolutely nothing while your father ruins the lives of everyone like you.
30) Dinesh D'Souza - I'm wondering, after you apparently purposely dated Ann Coulter, did your penis shrivel up and die like the wicked witch of the east? Like salt on a slug? Like dehydrated grapes? You chose to date her. You're no longer allowed to make decisions.
31) Abraham Lincoln - That's right, you're not beyond my wrath. Because you freed the slaves some 150 years ago, Republicans use your name as their way of insisting that they are not racist. Please come back to life and explain to them that "conservative" and "Republican" are not synonymous.
32) People who make racist statements because they know a minority - Listen, dude, just because you "have a gay friend" doesn't mean it's okay to make a homophobic epithets. Stop using your one friend that you think you grace with your friendship (though who, in actuality, probably doesn't like you much) as your way of justifying your incredibly bigoted remarks. Congratulations, you know a minority. Shut the hell up.
33) Alex Rodriguez - I didn't like you when you were a rookie, I didn't like you as you became famous, I don't like you now. Your being a Republican only makes me feel more justified. the only thing lower than my opinion of you is your September batting average. Way to sell out.
35) Peyton Manning - Listen, the only reason I was rooting for you tomorrow in the Super Bowl is because you throw well. But believe me, when I found out you were a Republican, it sucked a lot of the fun out of it. Go Bears.
36) Joe Scarborough - I don't mind you, especially because in your entire life you have only donated money to Democratic candidates. But you really need to stop making your show a "Best of" clip show of the Colbert Report and The Daily Show. You're supposed to be the conservative. Represent.
37) Rudy Giuliani - You were a mayor. All you did was run a large city - poorly - hate the homeless, and happened to be in charge during one of the worst events in America's history. Way to milk a horrible tragedy for your own personal gain. Question: Does anyone actually want a president who couldn't decide whether or not to run, because he wasn't sure whether he'd rather pursue his business ventures? No?
38) The Man from Nantucket - I once met you. You never call anymore.
39) Movies about 9/11 - It's been 5 years. Stop capitalizing on other people's emotions.
40) Geraldo Rivera - Where are you? Oh, that's right. You're at large. First your brain and then you.
41) Conrad Burns - So... How is Bush's super secret plan that he totally has going? Good?

I'm running out of rants for today. More soon.


libhom said...

If Dinesh D'Souza and Ann Coulter rekindled their torrid affair, would they end up having a hate child?

freelasabird said...

D'Gunga D'Inza

For some hilarious and challenging reading material, I highly recommend Ishmael Reed's "Japanese By Spring".

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