Thursday, March 27, 2008

Baruch Ata Obama

Oh Andy Borowitz, is there no post you can't fill?

From the Borowitz Report:

Obama Converts to Judaism

Buffeted by criticism of his controversial Christian pastor while continuing to quell rumors that he is a Muslim, Sen. Barack Obama (D-Ill) took a bold step today to settle questions about his religious faith once and for all.

"I am converting to Judaism, effective immediately," Mr. Obama told reporters at a press conference in Scarsdale, New York, adding that he would change his middle name from "Hussein" to "Murray."

As a sign of commitment to his new faith, the Illinois Senator said that he anticipated being Bar Mitzvahed sometime between now and the crucial Pennsylvania primary and that he would no longer campaign on Saturdays.

In a subtle sign of the shift in his religious affiliation, Mr. Obama's signature catchphrase "Yes, we can," was nowhere to be found in his speech, replaced instead by "L'Chaim."

While some political observers praised Mr. Obama's conversion to Judaism as a shrewd tactic to put the issue of his religious identity to rest, the move raised the ire of one of his harshest critics, former Rep. Geradline Ferraro.

"Barack Murray Obama wouldn't be in the position he's in if he wasn't Jewish," said Ms. Ferraro to herself.

Saturday, March 22, 2008

George Bush Steals Cheney's Lunch

Dick Cheney: Hey George... I see you're eating you're lunch there.

George Bush: Yes Sir, I am.

Dick: Well, not to be mean George, but I'm pretty sure that's my lunch.

Bush: No, I don't think so.

Dick: Yes it is. I put it in the refrigerator this morning. It's the same thing I neat every Saturday.

Bush: It didn't have you're name on it.

Dick: I didn't think it needed to.

Bush: How do you know that it's yours?

Dick: Trust me, I know.

Photo credit to Wierdomatic.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Hello, I'm a mac

John Hodgman was on the Daily Show today. He's the PC from the "Hello, I'm a Mac..." commercials. Today, on the Daily Show, he got a phone call. He pulled out his iPhone. I found that ironic.

Text Messaging

4 33 666 777 4 33 - 22 88 7777 44 - 444 7777 - 8 44 33 - 9 888 777 7777 8 - 7 777 33 7777 444 3 33 66 8 - 666 333 - 2 555 555 - 8 444 6 33.

By the way, back in the day I had a friend who was terrified whenever he saw the numbers 666. 666, apparently, is the "mark of the beast" and he grew up very Christian. So if - for example - the total value at the grocery store was $6.66, he would suddenly get very irked and sometimes even consider buying something else just to have the final price be a different number.

Explain this to me. Not where 666 comes from, because supposedly it is biblical, but why I should care, literally, about the numbers 666.

Here is what I want you to consider: Back when the new testament was written, the number "6" didn't exist. Sure, there was a mathematical six, but the symbol of the 6 was not used.

Now, in Hebrew (the original language of the Christian Bible), they did not have a number that looked like six. The number six would have been a vav, which looks like this: ו

So if you were looking for 666, you would probably actually be looking for ווו which looks really more like three near straight lines rather than three 6's. If you were looking for Greek, you would be looking for this: χξς or this: ςςς which is 666 in Greek. While the number six hundred and sixty six may be frightening - and I can respect that - the number "6" didn't exist until long after the new testament was written.

Tell you what, though. If I'm watching the register, and suddenly "ווו" shows up as my total, I'm willing to be frightened too.

Sunday, March 16, 2008

Relationship and Dating Stories

Recently I was asked by a friend to share a few relationship stories, so I'll do so here, hidden in this post in a blog I haven't used in several years. No one will read this, and if you do read this, please remember that I didn't expect anyone to read this. So... it's not my fault. I'm serious. This is pretty much a space holder for someone I know to help them with their site. This blog is long since dead. It really isn't my fault if you read this post. It's just not.

Dating Story

For the dating story, I was asked to provide dating tips for nice guys that are looking to get dates, since I've had fairly amazing success and I'm an atypical dude. Essentially, my tip for nice guys is to remember that being nice to a woman/girl doesn't make you a better choice than other guys that aren't nice.

Let me explain. Basically, when a guy tries to woo a woman by being nice, he often does a lot of things that are over-nice. For example, buying her gifts, telling her how beautiful she is, etc.

That's all well and good. Being a nice guy is better than being a jerk. But think about it this way - how do any of those things make YOU special. ANYONE can buy her things or tell her how beautiful she is. It doesn't make YOU unique or interesting. It only makes you one of the many, many guys before you that tried to do the same thing. You blend in with the pack. I'm not going to go into great detail about how to fix this problem, because it's not really something I'm interested in advertising, but just remember that while being a nice guy is important from a moral perspective, you'll still have to find a way to make yourself appear special, and stand out from the rest. Doing nothing but showering her with compliments isn't going to work.

Breakup Story

I don't have a good relationship story. I've never really tried to get back with an ex, and I was asked to tell a story related to rebuilding a relationship. But what I will share is something I think that most people forget with a breakup. It's okay to get back together after a breakup, but only if it's understood that you can never, ever break up and get back together again. The thread of a breakup is one of the things that keeps a relationship healthy and together - meaning, because a breakup is expected to be a permanent end to something great, people are always trying to make their partners happy. At the same time, because a breakup is supposed to represent a FINAL end, men and women feel more free to make a mistake, since they don't expect to breakup just from one mistake.

After a breakup, though, this isn't true anymore. Now two things have occurred:

- Now that you have gotten back together after a breakup (especially if it has happened more than once), the thread of a breakup is less scary, because now you know you can get back together. People start to take their breakups less seriously.
- Now that you have broken up, people become more scared while in a relationship that they will make a mistake. This makes them always on edge, trying hard to be as perfect as possible and hating their partners for that effort. That's no way to have a healthy relationship.

So there you go. Be careful of breakups. It's okay to get back with an ex if you're going to truly try to make it work, but you need to make sure that you try to make it work. Don't just assume you can get back into the relationship you had and make the same mistakes, because the entire dynamic of the relationship has changed.

Saturday, March 15, 2008

Light Posting

Sorry for the light posting. I have severe (and severely painful) tonsillitis and the medications aren't working. Over 10 days now. Damn.

But for a quick update before I take more painkillers and collapse for the night:

  1. Superdelegates are the stupidest thing ever.
  2. No matter what happens with the Democratic primaries, John McCain would make a terrible president.
  3. I got a paper in the mail telling me I may or may not get money from the government to boost the economy. Every taxpayer should have received one. I want to you to consider for a moment how much money it probably cost the government to send that stupid, useless form to everyone in the country. Then I want you to remember that another letter is coming telling us how much we get back, and then another one with the check itself. What a tremendous waste of money.
  4. Tucker Carlson is gone. Good.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008



Tuesday, March 11, 2008

The Best Scandal

There is not much I can add about Eliot Spitzer. It's too bad, really. He seemed like a good guy.

Still, I did realize that this was probably the best possible scandal anyone has had in like a decade. Of all the sex scandals he could have had, this scandal involved paying for a high priced, female prostitute. No men, no underage children, no drugs. What he did was wrong, but unlike every other scandal that's come out of various political offices, it wasn't "WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!"

So... that's something.

Friday, March 7, 2008

Funny Things on Ebay

A long time ago I tried to sell a 1 inch cube of my dog's puppy fur for $373.42 (Buy it Now). No takers. 1,158 views though. So that's something.

Still, this is pretty funny. I found it on Riot Village.

The real question: Was the seller shocked?

President Bush Finally Admits Recession.

George Bush, in an interview this morning with Fox News, finally admitted that after months of job loss, the United States is going through a recession.

In the interview, he also admits problems with the surge in Iraq, and hints that he may support Hillary Clinton or Barack Obama for president, due to complications in his relationship with John McCain.

For full video, click here.

In other news, if you clicked the link, you'll see that you've just been Roll'd. Rick Style.

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Tryin' to Hold Back This Feeling For Soooo Long.

John: George?

George: Yes, John?

John: Oh, nevermind.

George: What is it, John?

John: Well... it's just... um... Does this skin make my neck look fat?

George: Of course not, John. Why would you ask me that?

John: Thanks... ...Hey George?

George: Yes, John?

John: That wasn't really my question.

George: I didn't think so, John. Go ahead, ask me.

John: Well... I mean... Do you think we're good together?

George: What do you mean, John?

John: It's just that... sometimes.... Gosh, I'm trying to find the words. Stay strong John, Stay strong - don't let him see you cry. Do not let him see you cry... It's just that......... Sometimes I feel like we're growing apart. Like, we don't connect the way we used to.

George: Oh, John. You know that's not true. We are basically the same person.

John: I know... it's just that... well... Do you think we're right for each other?

George: John, you know how I feel about you. And I know how you feel about me. What we have between us is real.

John: But the press said....

George: The Press is Wrong John! The press will never understand the kind of connection we have. Once you start letting the press get to you, John, then... then... Sigh... John, when I endorsed your bid for presidency, I wasn't just endorsing you because I thought you'd do as well as me. I endorsed you because I honestly believe in your passion, your love, your care.

John: Oh you're just saying that...

George: Have I ever lied to you? Who stays up at night, just to watch you sleep? Who occasionally let's you be the "top" when I know you have to sit for a long time in the Senate chamber because I know how much you hate it when your tushy aches? And who is it that brings you orchids - pink - because I know that they're your favorites.

John: Oh George... I love you.

George: I love you too, John. Come over here and give me a hug like there's nobody around.

John: Don't ever leave me, George.

George: Never, John. Never.

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Super Tuesday ^ 2

The countdown to Ohio and Texas is underway, and the question of Super Delegates has returned to the spotlight. Will this super delegate go to Clinton? Will that one go to Obama?

But the real question is: Just how Super are these Delegates. Are they simply Super? Are they Super Duper? Are they Super Hero? Or are they simply Super Ficial? Maybe even Super Fluous?

Whatever the answer, they are certainly Super Stupid. That's my Super Lative.

Monday, March 3, 2008

Open Letter to Dunkin Donuts

Dear Dunkin' Donuts marketing staff,

Your new ad campaign has several problem that need to be addressed.

First and foremost, you should be aware that the word "Latte" is not English. Your ad campaign says "Dunkin Donuts Lattes - Order in English." Since Latte is not English, your campaign is immediately flawed. It is worth noting that you also serve cappuccinos, which is also not English.

Secondly, your entire campaign is based around the idea that your customers are complete idiots. While this may seem like a clever strategy, you should be aware that most people don't feel they are idiots. Now, ironically, I don't know anyone that drinks Dunkin' Donut coffee, and I tend not to associate myself with idiots, so your ad campaign may be working. Still, probably not your best business decision.

Third: "Fritalian" is not funny. I understand it is a combination of French and Italian, but it's not a word, and - again - Latte is Italian.

Fourth, the woman who continues to say the word "Large" when the Barista uses the word Dieci is coming off as a complete douche. You're going to want to make her appear like I should feel her pain, but she's a complete jerk. Though to be fair, you do feel your customers are idiots.

Finally, "Latte" is not English.

The next time you launch and ad campaign, please consult with me so I can forbid it. Clearly you have a poor advertising department. Next time it is a good idea to focus group your work before you launch it. Consider that a free tip.

Yours (not really),

PS Latte is not English.