Baruch Ata Obama

Oh Andy Borowitz, is there no post you can't fill?

From the Borowitz Report:

Obama Converts to Judaism

Buffeted by criticism of his controversial Christian pastor while continuing to quell rumors that he is a Muslim, Sen. Barack Obama (D-Ill) took a bold step today to settle questions about his religious faith once and for all.

"I am converting to Judaism, effective immediately," Mr. Obama told reporters at a press conference in Scarsdale, New York, adding that he would change his middle name from "Hussein" to "Murray."

As a sign of commitment to his new faith, the Illinois Senator said that he anticipated being Bar Mitzvahed sometime between now and the crucial Pennsylvania primary and that he would no longer campaign on Saturdays.

In a subtle sign of the shift in his religious affiliation, Mr. Obama's signature catchphrase "Yes, we can," was nowhere to be found in his speech, replaced instead by "L'Chaim."

While some political observers praised Mr. Obama's conversion to Judaism as a shrewd tactic to put the issue of his religious identity to rest, the move raised the ire of one of his harshest critics, former Rep. Geradline Ferraro.

"Barack Murray Obama wouldn't be in the position he's in if he wasn't Jewish," said Ms. Ferraro to herself.

Nader Announces Plan to Wreck Election

Thanks Andy Borowitz:

Nader Announces Plan to Wreck Election
But Prominent Crackpots are Cool to Bid

Appearing on NBC’s “Meet the Press” today, consumer activist Ralph Nader told host Tim Russert that he has officially decided to wreck the 2008 presidential election.

Mr. Nader had been huddling with prominent crackpots over the weekend to determine whether he had enough support among his natural constituency, self-absorbed whack-jobs, to mount an entirely meaningless campaign.

“If I wreck the 2008 election, I intend to wreck it in all fifty states,” Mr. Nader told Mr. Russert today. “I have no intention of being merely a regional spoiler.”

When asked if his candidacy could hurt the chances of the first African-American nominee for president, Mr. Nader put his fingers in his ears and started going, “Lalalalalalalala I can’t hear you.”

But across the country, significant numbers of crackpots who have supported Mr. Nader in the past appeared to be cool to his latest bid to wreck a presidential election.

“If I’m going to waste my vote, I want to be sure I’m wasting it on the right wingnut,” said longtime crackpot Stacy Klujian, who has supported Rep. Ron Paul (R-Tex) in his 2008 campaign. “It is time for Ralph Nader to step aside for a new generation of bananaheads.”

For his part, Mr. Nader said that he had already begun preparing for his latest run as a spoiler by sneaking up behind people who were watching “No Country for Old Men” and telling them how it ended.

“It wasn’t as challenging as spoiling an entire election, but it was fun,” he said.

PoliSat - In Speech on Religion, Obama Explains His Faith in Oprah

From the Borowitz Report:

In Speech on Religion, Obama Explains His Faith in Oprah
Calls Belief in Talk Show Hostess a “Personal Matter’

Under pressure to explain his religious faith to the American people, Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama delivered a forty-five minute speech today discussing his belief in Oprah Winfrey.

In an election year that has been dominated by discussions of candidates’ religious faith, perhaps no candidate’s religion has been more controversial than Sen. Obama’s Oprahism.

Speaking to supporters at the University of Iowa, the Illinois senator devoted his entire speech to his religious faith but mentioned Ms. Winfrey only once by name.

“My religion is a personal matter to me,” Sen. Obama told his followers. “Having said that, let me make this clear: I have accepted Oprah as my host.”

Later in the day, Ms. Winfrey toured the state with Mr. Obama and, in a stunning demonstration of her influence, briefly caused a solar eclipse.

“Sun and moon, do my bidding!” she roared, raising her hands above her head and delighting the crowd with the celestial display.

“Oprah is without question the most powerful force in the election right now,” said Carol Foyler, 45, an Obama supporter from Cedar Rapids. “I’d like to see Bill Clinton do that.”

Davis Logsdon, who studies the interrelation between politicians, religion and talk-show hosts at the University of Minnesota, said that Sen. Obama’s worship of Oprah Winfrey puts him in the mainstream of American theological belief.

“Over thirty percent of Americans currently define themselves as Oprahists,” Mr. Logsdon said. “And that number is higher during sweeps.”

Elsewhere, the CIA created more controversy today by acknowledging that it accidentally returned several interrogation tapes to Blockbuster.

Even worse, the CIA forgot to rewind the tapes.

My Dog is Smarter Than Our President

More Satire for your lifted pleasure.

From the Humor Gazette:

Education Accomplished! "Childrens do learn"

Mission accomplished! As recently as three years ago, America's education system was in a shambles. Millions of childrens did not even know that humans and fish can peacefully coexist.

President George W. Bush was so concerned that, on Jan. 23, 2004, he warned, "the illiteracy level of our children are appalling."

Mr. Bush had been aware of the problem since Jan. 11, 2000, when he observed at a South Carolina campaign rally, "Rarely is the question asked: is our children learning?"

But as his dad's vice president, Dan Quayle, learned at a sixth-grade New Jersey spelling bee in 1992, education can easily become a political hot potatoe.

The Washington pundits misunderestimated Mr. Bush's ability to get the job done, but in January 2002 he signed into law his landmark education plan: No Childs Left Behind.

Sure, there were critics. Some say the president has shortchanged his program by more than $50 billion. But Mr. Bush knows that childrens need a good education so they can grow up to get a heckuva job and put food on their families.

In today's global war on terrorism economy, he reasons, we must help childrens realize their dreams of becoming soldiers, oil executives or OB/GYN doctors, free to practice their love. Childrens, Mr. Bush understands, must be given the tools they need to compete for those good-paying jobs on the Internets.

So it was heartening to hear President Bush tell the nation -- during his speech last Wednesday urging Congress to reauthorize No Childs Left Behind -- that, when standards are high and results are measured, "Childrens do learn."

Notably, Mr. Bush's vision has also fueled an education initiative in the extremist Muslim world. In fact, many gifted first- and second-graders in Iraq and beyond are already hating America at a ninth-grade level, thanks to a policy called No Junior Terrorist Left Behind.

NBC Launches "To Catch a Senator"

This is really, really funny. I only wish it were true.

From the Borowitz Report:

NBC Launches ‘To Catch a Senator’
Chris Hansen to Stake Out Airport Bathrooms

“Dateline,” the NBC newsmagazine which has scored big ratings for its “To Catch a Predator” investigations, announced today that it would introduce a new investigative series this fall, entitled “To Catch a Senator.”

At a press conference in New York, NBC News president Steve Capus said that “To Catch a Senator” would focus the “Dateline” investigation team’s energies on “the number one menace in America today: pervy Republican senators.”

While he indicated that plans for the program are still being developed, Mr. Capus said that “To Catch a Senator” would use an airport bathroom as the nerve center for its sting operation.

Specifically, he said that the program would deploy “Predator” host Chris Hansen as a decoy to lure depraved senators into lewd contact.

“Chris will be waiting in one of the bathroom stalls, and when the senator taps on the wall, Chris will kind of pop out of the stall and start grilling him,” Mr. Capus said. “We’ll nail that bastard faster than he can say ‘I’m not gay.’”

But even as NBC trumpeted its latest “Dateline” spin-off, industry insiders wondered whether there would be an adequate supply of sex-crazed senators to keep the program going for more than a few episodes.

For his part, Mr. Capus brushed off such concerns, telling reporters, “As long as there are Republican senators out there who oppose gay marriage, there will always be plenty of pervs.”

Elsewhere, President Bush praised Pakistan’s General Pervez Musharraf for agreeing to stand for election, saying, “If free and fair elections work in Pakistan, we may eventually try them here.”

If you take the image I made, remember to source me.

U.S. To Re-Hang Saddam Hussein

Was blogger down yesterday? It would not let me log in or view my website.

Anyway, since I was unable to write anything, and I will be out this afternoon, here is some satire from the Onion:

U.S. To Re-Hang Saddam Hussein

WASHINGTON, DC—Calling last December's execution of Saddam Hussein "anticlimactic," White House officials announced Monday their intention to hang the late Iraqi dictator again this year in an attempt to garner a more favorable response from the public.

"We're really looking for something that will refocus the American people's attention on all the positive aspects of this war," White House press secretary Tony Snow said. "We were counting on the death of this brutal despot—who, by the way, gassed his own people and was just like Hitler—to be a major media event for us. Instead, we wasted three or four great news days at a time when we really could have used a few high points."

Most observers considered Hussein's execution, which was carried out by Iraq's interim government and broadcast in grainy, amateur footage, to be creepy, gruesome, and generally lacking the sense of triumphant catharsis authorities had hoped for.

To remedy the public relations failure, Hussein's body has been dug up from its burial place near Tikrit and wired together by U.S. Army forensic experts to ensure that it holds its shape during the ceremony. The re-hanging, which will be aired on all major networks and accompanied by a 30-minute retrospective highlighting the many reasons why Hussein was a terrible person deserving of this ignoble end, will be "brighter, cheerier, and more upbeat," than the first attempt.

"We're going to have superior production values, inspiring music, and live, prime-time coverage straight from Baghdad," said the State Department's media coordinator, Ellen Grainer. "[Hussein's body] has decomposed so much that his remains will have to be wrapped in canvas and covered up, but we plan to display a full-color oversized photo of him directly behind the gallows. That should have a real impact on viewers. We're pulling out all the stops to make sure we get the feel-good media moment everyone's looking for."

Grainer echoed the sentiments of several Defense Department officials who believe the U.S. should never have handed over a high-profile hanging to the Iraqi people in the first place. According to Defense Secretary Robert Gates, the two biggest miscalculations were allowing such a low-quality presentation to be associated with the American military, and timing the execution to take place around Christmas.

"The thinking was that Americans who missed their loved ones overseas would appreciate an emotional boost around that time," Gates said. "But apparently, people didn't think the holiday season set an appropriate mood for a public execution."

"If we could have hanged Osama bin Laden, that would have been ideal," Gates added. "Obviously, though, you have to catch someone to be able to legally murder them, so we're just making the most of what we've got."

It remains to be seen whether public reaction will be more enthusiastic this time around.

"After watching the first hanging, I felt kind of sickened and empty inside," Iowa resident Ted Froman, 38, said. "But with all the violence that's going on over there at the moment, it would be nice to see something done right."

In the event that the execution fails to create the desired positive effect, authorities said they would not rule out hanging Hussein a third or even a fourth time, if necessary.

Borowitz, You Save Me

From the Borowitz Report:

Bush Proposes Sending Transformers™ to Iraq
Awards $85B Defense Contract to Hasbro

Increasingly frustrated by the Iraqi government’s failure to meet a series of defined benchmarks, President George W. Bush today proposed sending a group of giant robots known as the Transformers™ to Iraq.

Aides to the president were vague as to when Mr. Bush arrived at his new Transformers™ strategy, but sources say that he devised the plan last week, shortly after a surprise visit to a multiplex in Bethesda, Maryland.

In announcing his new proposal, the president authorized an $85 billion defense contract to Hasbro, believed to be the largest military contract of its kind ever awarded to a toy company.

At a White House press conference, the president expressed his confidence that the Transformers™ would succeed where the Iraq government had failed.

“I’d like to see what would happen if al-Qaeda tried to attack one of our tanks, and instead the tank got up on its legs and turned out to be a robot and started shooting at them,” Mr. Bush said. “That would be so cool.”

But even as the president announced his new plan for victory in Iraq, congressional critics questioned the wisdom of dispatching Transformers™ to the war-torn nation.

“A tank that can turn into a giant robot is awesome, but it’s not an exit strategy,” said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV).

Responding to his critics, Mr. Bush said that he would announce an exit strategy later this week after consulting with his newest advisor, J.K. Rowling.

“She has experience at ending things,” Mr. Bush said.

Elsewhere, China announced plans to send a new brand of rat poison to the United States under the name “Delicious Cupcakes.”

Bush Pardons Entire GOP

From notes and errata:

Bush Pardons Entire GOP
Prez "pre-emptively" saves all Repubs from becoming "prison bitches." Dems: "Can he do that?"

Allegedly reacting to some sort of hallucinogenic fever dream following an overlong bubble bath during which he reportedly sputtered lots of motorboat noises and ate one too many purple crayons, President Bush today made the stunning yet somehow entirely understandable announcement that all Republicans in his administration are hereby officially excused from any and all crimes they have committed, are in the process of committing, are planning to commit, or even merely fantasize about committing while encased in sweaty latex bodysuits in any one of a number of GOP-friendly D.C. fetish dungeons.

"People! My people!" Bush shouted suddenly during an otherwise completely useless press conference, raising his arms over his head and tilting his head back and convulsing slightly, just as a nameless reporter finished asking a question about... oh like it even matters because we all know the answer would've been complete bulls--- anyway so let's just say, immigration policy reform.

"Come to me, you shockingly large numbers of corrupt and disgraced Republican senators, representatives, aides, deputies, secretaries, lobbyists, governors and mayors and secretly gay meth-snorting right-wing Christian evangelists, and I shall remove from you the burden of legal, ethical, spiritual and yes even genital responsibility for all crimes you have almost certainly committed under the dark umbrella that is me! I am the walrus!"



Bush was apparently emboldened by his unprecedented and widely reviled commutation of I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby's prison sentence just recently, a move widely considered to be one of the more repellent abuses of power in a kaleidoscopic drunken funhouse of abuses lo these past 6.5 years, though he appeared to be staring up at the heavens as he spoke, just little bit astonished that lightning was not striking him dead on the spot.

"DeLay! Gonzales! Abramoff! Rumsfeld! Frist and Scalia and Ashcroft and Rove! Hastert and Duke Cunningham and Dusty Foggo! Ralph Reed! Mark Foley, Ted Haggard and Jeff Gannon! Abu Ghraib instigators! Guantanamo endorsers! WMD believers! FEMA! Plamegate! Terry Schaivo hypocrites! Torturers and influence peddlers and domestic wiretappers, Halliburton bribers and no-bid contractors and dark Carlyle Group overlords!

"Also: Sex education misinformers, global warming deniers, scientist muzzlers, Energy Task Force liars, Iraq Study Group deniers, 9/11 Report ignorers, Medicare scammers, Diebold voting machine swindlers! Bogus Jessica Lynch and Saddam statue and fake Thanksgiving turkey event stagers! And all the rest I can't remember because wow there are just so damn many! Come to me and be not someone's prison bitch despite how you really, really deserve it! I hereby pardon you aaaaaalllll!"

Curiously, the bizarre announcement came as no surprise to White House insiders. An anonymous source close to the president suggested that Bush secretly hoped that, if he made another big, vaguely unconstutional, degrading announcement that stabbed at the very heart of the republic, Dick Cheney might come up from behind again and give him another approving pat on the butt, much like a master gives a puppy. Cheney was unavailable for comment, as he was off shooting hundreds of flightless pheasants in the face with a shotgun from 2 feet away, and chuckling sinisterly.

Stunned reporters who attempted to ask Bush some immediate follow-up questions were quickly shouted down by the president. "Yay, me! The list of criminals in my administration is so long, I thought I'd just take care of it all in one file swipe," Bush shouted, apparently invoking yet another cute Bushism that might or might not refer, Freudian-slip style, to his love of either illegal wiretapping, Karl Rove's 'accidentally' deleted emails, or Lynne Cheney's secret stash of erotic lesbian digital photography.

"Whoops, I mean fell swoop! Yes! Wait a sec, what's a fell swoop? What funny words in my mouth! Say it over and over again, 'fell swoop fell swoop fell swoop fellswoop fellswoopfellswoop.' Haw! Loses all meaning."

White House spokesman and former Fox News automaton Tony Snow, himself rumored to be seeking regular psychiatric treatment to combat recurring nightmares in which his emaciated soul is being eaten by angry pink rabbits in a dank Wal-Mart sub-basement in Alabama, was quick to step in and deflect reporters' questions as Bush was carefully led offstage, frothing slightly at the mouth.

"Let me say right here and now: It is fully within the president's constitutional right to, uh, preemptively pardon all criminal Republicans who are all, of course, totally innocent and who have all been -- or, you know, will soon be -- wrongly accused by terrorist-loving liberals who hate our freedoms and have a very obvious gay agenda," he muttered, his eyes rolling around in his skull like marbles in Satan's pinball machine.

"Hey! Don't forget the crazy stuff Bill Clinton did almost 10 years ago! Oh my God! And what about Sept. 11th? Your children are in danger! Twin towers! Death from above! Support our troops! Gay agenda! Watch Fox News or the terrorists win! P.S.: Ann Coulter, please call me because you left a spiked bra and a switchblade and a gallon of ketamine at my apartment. Thank you. No more questions at this time."

Word of the Universal Republican Pardon (URP) quickly spread to the current Democratic congressional leadership, who were, naturally, slightly upset.

"This is a true outrage!" screamed House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, apparently frantically entering search terms into Wikipedia in her office iMac in an attempt to see what the hell was actually happening.

"He can't do that! Wait, can he? Can he do that? Isn't there some sort of, like, legal or constitutional mechanism in place to stop him from doing stuff like that?" Pelosi scanned the confused faces of the various congressional aides standing around her office, but got nothing back but lots of people staring at their feet. "Hello? Anyone? What the hell do I pay you people for?!"

Pelosi then sighed heavily and sipped some organic green tea. "You know what it makes me wish? It makes me wish there some sort of, say, large political body here in Washington, one that was right now controlled by, say, a completely different political party than this awful president," she said wistfully, as the aides glanced at each other furtively and rolled their eyes.

"Wouldn't that be great? And this group would have, say, some sort of legal and political oversight power to step in and stop this sort of thing, to formally rebuke the president and demand some sort of accountability and maybe even launch formal impeachment proceedings? Can you imagine?"

"I like to think it would be some sort of deeply flawed but absolutely essential system of, oh I don't know, checks and balances or something, and it would help ensure that this cretinous mealy mouthed little sonofabitch couldn't get away with stuff like this anymore.

"That would be so cool, wouldn't it? Man, I wish we had something like that here in America. Don't you?"

Photo from The Sacramento Bee

What a Dick

From the Borowitz Report:

Cheney Declares Himself National Monument
Latest Attempt to Dodge Subpoena

In a bold new strategy to avoid a congressional subpoena, Vice President Dick Cheney today declared himself a national monument.

Mr. Cheney took the unorthodox step only after failing in his attempt to invoke a little-known legal principle called the separation of Cheney and state.

Aides to Mr. Cheney confirmed that being a national monument gives the vice president not only immunity from subpoenas, but also a draft deferment in perpetuity.

President George W. Bush presided over a solemn White House ceremony this morning in which a plaque documenting Mr. Cheney’s status as a national monument was affixed to the vice president’s midsection.

Joining the ranks of the Washington Monument and the Lincoln Memorial, Mr. Cheney is believed to be the only landmark in the nation’s capital not made at least partially out of marble.

But even as his attempt to evade a subpoena appeared to have succeeded, the vice president’s new status as a national monument created unexpected problems, as Independence Day tourists lined up around the block to get a glimpse of Washington’s latest historic attraction.

Perhaps in an effort to control the crowds, Mr. Cheney announced today that the admission price for seeing him would be set at $75,000.

White House spokesman Tony Snow defended the $75,000 price tag, saying that it was an appropriate price to see a national monument of Dick Cheney’s stature.

“Seventy-five thousand dollars is what it costs to see Dick Cheney,” Mr. Snow said. “Just ask any lobbyist.”

Elsewhere, Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff said that everyone in the U.S. should go about their normal activities, “except you terrorists.”

Political Satire - More is Never Enough

I think I should change the tags. Maybe something like "PoliSat" to make it sound more cool/professional.

From whitehouse.org:

President Bush Rigorously Defends Immigration Bill to His Rapidly Imploding Base of Xenophobic Crackers

THE PRESIDENT: Good afternoon. Today I want to take a minute to gab atcha about the new bipartisan immigration bill which I'm betting the farm will be the only part of my legacy that isn't a big sloppy shit sandwich. Now for some mysterious reason, lots of folks don't like my policy – and a big chunk of my base is even trying to get it killed in Congress. Luckily, it's not the all-important Corporate Gazillionaire Plutocracy part of my base. No, it's just the piss-ignorant, dirt-poor, trailer trash KKK Bible zombie part of my base. And me and Karl Rove know how to play them like a cheap jew's harp. [Thumbs Up.]

That's why today, I just wanted to issue a friendly reminder to all those millions of red state Rush Limbaugh fans who have worshipped me without question for the past seven years:

Folks, we've been together through a lot. And you've stood by me through it all. Through the illegitimate election of 2000. Through the double-dip recession. Through the terror attacks of 9/11TM. Through Enron. Through the botched war in Afghanistan and failed hunt for Osama bin Laden. Through the clusterfuck kickoff to the Iraq war in 2003. Through the Patriot Act and illegal wiretapping of innocent Americans. Through "Mission Accomplished." Through Abu Ghraib, Guantanamo Bay and a policy of torture. Through Katrina. Through failed Social Security reform. Through Armstrong Williams & Jeff Gannon. Through Terri Schaivo. Through Tom Delay. Through Mark Foley. Through Scooter Libby. Through $3.00 gas. Through Walter Reed. Through "the Surge". Through Alberto Gonzales. And now even through 3500 US troops killed in Vietraq.

And after all that, the thing it takes to get you folks pissed at me is letting a few million Mexi-Ricans pour over our borders and steal your jobs so you can't afford to put Ramen on the table? Well, I think I understand your problem. On one hand, you correctly accept that I'm practically Jesus. But on the other hand, you can't help but feel a surge of simple-minded, paranoid racist hatred every time you hear one of those dirty Spics yammering away in that nonsense gibberish of theirs – when even Star Trek nerds know that English is the only language in the universe. So yeah, I know, it's awful confusing for y'all.

That's why today, I just wanted to shoot out a quickie reminder to you folks that should clear everything up:

I am your divinely appointed ruler.

God picked me.

Never question my (His) opinions.

Immediately resume being the obedient brainwashed hicks I know and love.

Or you will rot in Hell.

[Thumbs Up.]

I have spoken.

Thank you.

Posting is Hard

So here is another satire piece from the Borowitz Report:

Nader’s Ego Enters 2008 Race
Massive Ego Fills Madison Square Garden

The field of presidential candidates got a little more crowded today as the massive ego of consumer activist Ralph Nader announced that it was entering the 2008 race.

For its historic announcement, Mr. Nader’s ego chose New York’s Madison Square Garden, the only venue available large enough to contain the candidate’s bloated self-esteem.

After being loaded into the Garden’s freight elevator and wheeled out onto the stage, Mr. Nader’s ego said the words that its faithful had been waiting to hear.

“This gigantic ego has sat on the sidelines long enough and watched others’ egos get all of the attention!” the candidate’s ego roared.

Mr. Nader’s ego went on to enumerate the reasons for its latest candidacy, telling the audience, “I want to see an America where I am on campaign buttons, banners, and Larry King Live.”

His ego added that it hoped to fill what it saw as a void in the 2008 campaign: “There is no other narcissistic whackjob in the race, unless you count Kucinich.”

The consumer activist’s bloated ego received rave reviews from those in attendance, many of whom had fond memories of Mr. Nader’s successful bid to wreck the 2000 presidential race.

“It was great to see that ego back on stage,” said Nader supporter Ralph Nader, 73. “Finally, a candidate who speaks for me.”

Others echoed that sentiment, including Nader supporter Ralph Nader, 73: “I couldn’t believe how handsome he was.”

Elsewhere, in a serious setback for former Florida governor Jeb Bush, new research finds that the eldest children in families tend to have higher I.Q.’s than their younger siblings.

Bush falls below Jar Jar Binks in latest poll

I found this on "The Night Shift" by Greg Sidor:

Bush falls below Jar Jar Binks in latest poll

By Greg Sidor, Satirical Correspondent

A Newsweek poll shows President Bush's popularity at a new low of 26%. This makes Mr. Bush the least-popular commander-in-chief since Richard Nixon.

More ominous, it marks the first time a president has fallen below the notorious Binks line, a measurement used by pollsters that compares one's popularity to universally loathed "Star Wars" character Jar Jar Binks.

"Pollsters usually mark Binks' approval rating at a steady 27%," said analyst Richard Gibbons of Numbers, Inc. "That's usually made up of people under various forms of mental distress, and we think a percentage of them may not even know who Binks is, so they haven't developed the proper sense of disgust the general population maintains."

White House Press Secretary Tony Snow was quick to try and spin the bad news.

"It may seem bad at first, but let's not forget that Binks went on to rise up the ranks in 'Star Wars,' eventually becoming an important member of the Galactic Senate," Snow said.

Snow wouldn't comment on other results of the poll, which revealed that 56% of Americans would rather have a beer with Jar Jar Binks.

"It certainly calms my mind a bit," said filmmaker George Lucas. "For a time I was afraid I'd created the most disappointing, wildly incompetent character in history. It's good to see the boys in Washington still have the gusto to surpass the best in Hollywood."

Congress Hires Illegal Immigrants to Write Immigration Bill

From the Borowitz Report:

Congress Hires Illegal Immigrants to Write Immigration Bill

Lawmakers Cite Cost Savings

In an attempt to break the nagging logjam over immigration, congressional leaders announced today that they were hiring illegal immigrants to write the nation’s new immigration bill.

While some observers criticized the decision to employ illegals to draft the very bill that would regulate themselves, Sen. John Kyl (R-Arizona) said that the move was a “win-win” for the American people.

“No one understands the thorny issue of immigration better than the people who have been sneaking into our country,” Mr. Kyl said. “Plus, these folks work cheap.”

One outspoken critic of the plan was CNN’s Lou Dobbs, who blasted Congress for putting illegal immigrants in charge of the nation’s immigration laws.

“This would be the equivalent of CNN outsourcing my xenophobic rants to Bangalore,” Mr. Dobbs said.

According to the plan, which went into effect at midnight, the U.S. will bus illegal aliens across the border to work as “guest congressmen” to draft the nation’s new immigration laws.

The illegals will remain in the country long enough to write the new immigration laws, after which they will be permitted to run for election for permanent congressman status.

Juan Carmelo Gutierrez, 35, a former migrant worker who is taking advantage of the “guest congressman” program, says that while drafting the nation’s immigration’s laws is arduous work, he still prefers it to his previous job.

“Being a congressman is definitely easier than picking fruit,” says Mr. Gutierrez. “Plus, you get most of the year off.”

Elsewhere, the New England Journal of Medicine reports that people who play excessive amounts of Nintendo Wii may experience shoulder pain and may also never lose their virginity.

G.O.P. Hopefuls Clash Over Who is the Whitest

Another classic from the Borowitz Report:

G.O.P. Hopefuls Clash Over Who is the Whitest
Court Elusive White Male Voter in Televised Face-off

In a nationally televised debate last night, the ten candidates for the Republican presidential nomination engaged in a battle royal, with each candidate staking his claim to the title of the whitest white male in the G.O.P. race.

With the elusive white male voter holding the keys to victory in the G.O.P. nomination, all ten candidates seemed mindful of reaching out to that often-forgotten voting bloc.

The question of “who is the whitest” came up in the opening minutes of the debate held on the campus of the University of South Carolina, where hundreds of concerned white male voters gathered to hear the candidates speak.

“Not only am I the whitest male in this race, I am the whitest male named Thompson in this race,” said former Wisconsin governor Tommy Thompson in an apparent reference to former Tennessee senator Fred Thompson, who is poised to become the eleventh white male vying for the G.O.P. nod.

Former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney went on the offensive when he cited his “impeccable whiteness credentials,” telling the crowd, “I was a governor, a businessman, and before that, a generic white male Clipart character.”

But perhaps the most electrifying moment in the debate came from Sen. John McCain of Arizona, who at 70 years of age would be the oldest white male ever elected president.

“With all due respect, I have been whiter longer than any of the men on this stage,” he said, to thunderous applause.

Elsewhere, the U.S. Postal Service announced that it would now charge 41 cents to lose a first-class letter.

White House Seeks Lying Czar

I hope the guy from the Borowitz Report doesn't mind how often I reprint his material. If you do, Andy Borowitz, let me know and I will stop. Also, if you are looking for someone to help write for you on the side, let me know as well.

From the Borowitz Report:

White House Seeks Lying Czar
Would Coordinate Distortions about Iraq, Afghanistan

The White House in recent weeks has been quietly searching for candidates for the position of “lying czar,” a high-level administrator who would oversee all distortions and misrepresentations about the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, a White House source confirmed today.

News of the administration’s search for a “lying czar” raised eyebrows in official Washington, where many insiders believe that the White House already has enough personnel to handle the creation and dissemination of war-related lies.

Specifically, many insiders wonder why an administration that already has advisor Karl Rove and Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice would also need a “lying czar.”

“The Bush administration has a lot of world-class manpower, lying-wise,” one insider said. “This whole ‘lying czar’ thing seems like an unnecessary layer of bureaucracy.”

But White House insiders disagree, saying that those who believe a “lying czar” is unnecessary are oblivious to the overwhelming volume of distortions that are sorely in need of coordination at a high administrative level.

“On any given day, the Defense Department and the State Department will produce lies that are directly in conflict with each other, and that’s counterproductive,” one insider said. “A ‘lying czar’ would change all that.”

Professor Davis Logsdon, who holds the Clifford Irving chair at the University of Minnesota’s School of Communication, says that the need for a “lying czar” reveals certain weaknesses in the current Bush cabinet.

“When I hear that the White House is looking for a lying czar, one thing becomes clear,” Dr. Logsdon said. “They really miss Rumsfeld.”

Elsewhere, responding to criticism, the National Gardening Association said it would no longer use the term “hoe.”

Satire Report: The American Condition

This is a post from The American Condition. It's funny. Photos are added. Feel free and view other satire pieces from other blogs by clicking here. Or visit my own fake news stories here.

A Sneak Preview of the Republican Presidential Debate:
Names are hidden to protect the clueless, but here's a little bit of what we'll see this week...

Moderator: We went over our rules. Each of you will have 30 seconds and we'll allow a 15-second rebuttal from a second candidate. Question number one is for you, Candidate 1, the American presence in Iraq has lasted longer than World War II, we're on our third surge in a little more than a year to increase troop levels again, attacks against Americans are up, American casualties are up, Iraqi casualties are up... if you were president right now, what would you do?

Candidate 1: We need to stay the course. We haven't given this latest surge enough time. Six months should do it.

Moderator: But in each of the previous surges, they were also accompanied by a six-month time estimate, and in each the situation worsened. Isn't six months really just an arbitrary time period in order to give the public enough time to forget the previous misstep?

Candidate 1: Obviously you're not paying attention to the new history. That's the old history you're talking about. The new history is that we're doing better every day. Just ask General Petraeus.

Moderator: Speaking of General Petraeus, Candidate Two, he said this week, "The level of horrific attacks like the one that killed nine US soldiers at a patrol base in Diyala province April 23 is still too high." What is the level of horrific attacks that is acceptable?

Candidate 2: Off the top of my head, I would say a level that kills fewer than nine Americans at a time. Of course, I don't want to go out on a limb and put words in the general's mouth. It's really all the democrats fault for trying to give soldiers money the wrong way.

Moderator: Doesn't the Iraq Accountability Act actually give more money than what the republicans are asking for by additionally funding hospitalization for soldiers and veterans?

Candidate 2: That's just a slick trick to pretend they support the troops. We know how to support the troops - by not pampering them with things like health care or body armor. We're already catering their meals through private contractors. Isn't that enough? Next they'll be wanting armored vehicles and night vision goggles, too.

Moderator: The sticking point with the democratic funding bill is that the president doesn't want any deadline to leave Iraq. What incentive will Iraq have to take over control of their own country if they have no deadline?

Candidate 3: You can't just give them a date for our withdrawal or else they'll simply wait and stop the attacks until we leave. Is that what you want - peace in the country for several months while Iraq brings their own people together?...

Click here to continue.

EVANGELICALS DEMAND A ‘WHITE CHOCOLATE’ JESUS

This is a gem from the Satirical Political Report.

What's funny is how Falwell and all the Christian right made fun of Muslims and Islam for being mad at the Mohamed Cartoon (which actually made fun of Mohamed, rather than a chocolate version of him). Hypocrites.

EVANGELICALS DEMAND A ‘WHITE CHOCOLATE’ JESUS

The Reverend Jerry Falwell issued a statement today explaining that the Christian Right had no problem with the concept of an anatomically correct “Chocolate Jesus,” but was adamantly opposed to a “racially incorrect Chocolate Jesus.”

The “My Sweet Lord” display in New York City, canceled last week in response to “a choir of complaining Catholics,” was created from more than 200 pounds of milk chocolate, and thus, according to Falwell, falsely implied that Jesus was a black man.

Although many historians believe that Jesus may well have been black, evangelicals insisted that white chocolate should have been used, not only for Jesus, but for candy Easter Bunnies as well. As James Dobson, founder of Hocus-Pocus on the Family, put it: “Let the Jews use dark chocolate in their Hanukkah gelt, they’re all going to hell anyway.”

William Donohue, the omnipresent talking-head cable guy of the Catholic League, was also outraged: “How would the Muslims feel if the artist had done a ‘Falafel Mohammed’ during Ramadan?”

Pat Robertson also angrily condemned the display, claiming that the rather substantial size of the chocolate penis further fed the myth that Jesus was black.

Robertson further complained that the chocolate penis was circumcised, claiming that “the artist is also trying to falsely depict Jesus as a Jew.”

However, the Rev. Al Sharpton maintained that the work of art “wasn’t black enough, since everyone knows that white men can’t jump, let alone rise.”

More U.S. Soldiers Suffering From Pre-Traumatic Stress Disorder

From The Onion:

Report: More U.S. Soldiers Suffering From Pre-Traumatic Stress Disorder

NORFOLK, VA—Pre-traumatic stress disorder, a future-combat-related psychological condition previously thought to afflict only young soldiers drafted against their will, is now found in growing numbers among National Guard members, Army, Navy, Marine, and Air Force reservists, semi-retired officers, and the newly recruited, according to a government study released Monday.
Enlarge Image More US R

Marines prepare to be shipped off to Iraq.

"When soldiers are put in the extreme situation of facing the possibility of large-scale death and shocking violence, many experience sleeplessness and outbursts of anger," said Walter Reed Army Hospital psychologist Capt. Sidney Mullenthauer. "We're seeing more victims experience vivid, ultra-realistic flash-forwards of roadside bombings that tear through a group of innocent children, or rocket attacks on their convoys that leave fellow soldiers charred and smoldering."

"Many of these poor souls are forced to prelive, over and over again, a landmine blowing their legs off, or large pieces of shrapnel becoming lodged in the sides of fellow soldiers' faces," he added.

Army Pfc. Henry Gerard, 19, who suffers from acute Pre-TSD, said he blames the federal government for putting him in this mentally debilitating state.

"The government knows exactly what they intend to put me through, and they still haven't done a damn thing about it, man," said Gerard, who, nearly three weeks before reporting to Fallujah, suffers from nightmares in which his potential best friend is beheaded. "I can't sleep, I can't eat, my hands constantly shake. I'm going to a place where people I don't even know will try to kill me. What the fuck?"

"I'm not the same man I once was," Gerard said, adding that he spends every night drinking to drown out the screams and cries for help he expects to hear. "War is going to be hell."

The study, conducted by the Department Of Future Veterans Affairs, found that 80 percent of part-time soldiers reported no signs of Pre-TSD while carrying out their obligatory one weekend of duty a month, but quickly developed severe symptoms upon receiving orders for active combat.

"This is also the first time we have observed both pre- and post-traumatic stress disorders occurring simultaneously," said Mullenthauer, who explained that the phenomenon is found most often among reservists who have returned home after completing their tour of duty and before being called up for an extra assignment.
Enlarge Image More US Jump R

A growing number of reservists suffer from flash-forwards of gruesome urban combat in Iraq.

Researchers said the disorder can be brought on by the thought of holding a lifeless body in one's hands, the unshakable sense of dread accompanying an imagined nighttime ambush, and the stress of realizing one will spend 18 to 24 months in a foreign land thousands of miles from home in which death or severe injury seem all but inevitable.

In addition, a significant number of those who will enter a war zone say they are plagued by repeated visions of atrocities, torture, and the CNN logo.

One reservist, who has chosen to take the disease head-on by reporting to Iraq on his scheduled date, is Pvt. Franklin Mitchell, 31, husband and father of two. According to Mitchell's wife, Marian Mitchell, her husband's Pre-TSD was brought on by the proto-memories of being taken hostage.

"At first, of course, he was excited to get some money for college to study computer programming," Mitchell said. "But when he came home after learning he was going to Iraq, he broke into a cold sweat and grew extremely depressed remembering how he will eventually have to shoot and kill another human being at close range."

Researchers have recently identified new segments of the population also considered to be at risk for Pre-TSD, including parents of children approaching military age, Iraqi citizens, and any person who watches more than three hours of television news per day.

Another Satire from the Borowitz Report

March madness has me busy, so amuse yourselves with the following from the Borowitz report:

Bush Creates Department of Faulty Intelligence

Names Author James Frey as Chief

In response to what he called a “significant increase in the amount of misinformation about our enemies,” President George W. Bush today announced that he was establishing a new Cabinet-level agency devoted solely to faulty intelligence.

By creating the Department of Faulty Intelligence, Mr. Bush said, “The United States will be able to respond swiftly and preemptively to false threats before they don’t develop.”

The President said that while the CIA and the NSA had both collected faulty intelligence in the past, “there is simply too much misinformation out there for those two agencies to handle.”

Mr. Bush said that he hoped that the Department of Faulty Intelligence would not only increase the United States’ capacity to collect false leads and red herrings, but that it would also help coordinate the sharing of useless information among the U.S.’s various spy agencies.

Mr. Bush used the announcement at the White House to introduce his nominee to head up the new department, James Frey, the author of “A Million Little Pieces.”

Mr. Frey spoke mainly in general terms about the goals of the new agency, but indicated that it would focus on “the gathering threat” posed by Belgium’s nuclear program.

In his brief remarks to the press, Mr. Frey said that he was uniquely qualified to head the Department of Faulty Intelligence because of his “deep roots” in the faulty intelligence community.

“I will be bringing over four decades of experience to this job,” said Mr. Frey, 37.

Elsewhere, hours after Congress demanded an investigation into the firing of U.S. attorneys, President Bush said he would move the White House to Dubai.

Giuliani’s Ex-wives March on Washington

(Political Satire - Photos Added)
From the Borowitz Report:

In a dramatic display of political strength in numbers, an organization comprising the ex-wives of Republican presidential candidate Rudolph Giuliani marched on Washington today, demanding that their thousands of voices be heard.

The organization, which calls itself Focus on the Ex-Family and which claims as its members all 300,000 former wives of the former New York City mayor, marched from the Capitol building to the White House in one of the largest political demonstrations in recent memory.

By organizing the massive demonstration in the nation’s capital, the exes of New York’s former mayor were hoping to prove that they are the Republican Party’s largest single voting bloc and thus deserve a prominent role in choosing the G.O.P. nominee.

Carol Foyler, executive director of Focus on the Ex-Family, said that over 250,000 ex-wives of Mr. Giuliani had turned out for the march, although police estimated the crowd at closer to 200,000.

Still, according to Washington mayor Adrian M. Fenty, the turnout was impressive: “It’s amazing that Rudy has so many wives, and he isn’t even the Mormon guy in this race.”

By standing up and demanding that they be counted, Mr. Giuliani’s hundreds of thousands of ex-wives may have a profound impact on the way the nation perceives the former New York City mayor, according to Davis Logsdon, head of the political science department at the University of Minnesota.

“For some time, Rudolph Giuliani has been thought of as ‘America’s Mayor,’” Dr. Logsdon said. “This march on Washington shows that he is ‘America’s Ex-husband,’ too.”

Elsewhere, in recognition of Daylight Savings Time, President Bush set the country back fifty years.