Monday, March 3, 2008

Open Letter to Dunkin Donuts

Dear Dunkin' Donuts marketing staff,

Your new ad campaign has several problem that need to be addressed.

First and foremost, you should be aware that the word "Latte" is not English. Your ad campaign says "Dunkin Donuts Lattes - Order in English." Since Latte is not English, your campaign is immediately flawed. It is worth noting that you also serve cappuccinos, which is also not English.

Secondly, your entire campaign is based around the idea that your customers are complete idiots. While this may seem like a clever strategy, you should be aware that most people don't feel they are idiots. Now, ironically, I don't know anyone that drinks Dunkin' Donut coffee, and I tend not to associate myself with idiots, so your ad campaign may be working. Still, probably not your best business decision.

Third: "Fritalian" is not funny. I understand it is a combination of French and Italian, but it's not a word, and - again - Latte is Italian.

Fourth, the woman who continues to say the word "Large" when the Barista uses the word Dieci is coming off as a complete douche. You're going to want to make her appear like I should feel her pain, but she's a complete jerk. Though to be fair, you do feel your customers are idiots.

Finally, "Latte" is not English.

The next time you launch and ad campaign, please consult with me so I can forbid it. Clearly you have a poor advertising department. Next time it is a good idea to focus group your work before you launch it. Consider that a free tip.

Yours (not really),
~Librocrat

PS Latte is not English.

8 comments:

Chase said...

I love this post.

To me Dunkin Donuts is where you go for coffee and donuts when you are running low on cash for Starbucks coffee and you live too far from the nearest Krispy Kreme.

Anonymous said...

You use the word douche which is European for shower and English for vagina washing. To you the woman seems like one of these two meanings.
Why are you so passionate about a satirical television commercial? Why do you harbor so much hatred against women and coffee outlets that are not Starbucks?

Librocrat said...

I'm a Coffeeist. I'm racist against non-Starbucks coffee shops.

The truth is out... I will hide my head in shame.

Librocrat said...

Also, "douche" does not mean "vagina washing." That would be "to douche" or "douching." A "Douche" is a vinegar tube that is meant to clean the vagina but is actually harmful to it. In this case, I'd say that usage is apt, as this particular woman was acting like a harmful vinegar vaginal cleaner.

Anonymous said...

Libocrat is the one who is an idiot.

Clearly, he is so besotten with his bland coffeehouse with its "venti" and other ridiculous nomens, that he doesn't even see when of he's being made fun.

Other than the obvious self-deprecating "you order a latte in English" this commercial is flawless. And in DD's defense, the comment is not referring the latte itself but to the ordering process; if libocrat can't understand that what's being lampooned is the "venti" in "I would like a venti latte" then he is truly the idiot.

This commercial is no less seminal than the famed Apple 1984 commercial, in fact with a similar message, exhorting the masses who are brainwashed by the corpocratic IBM or the ubiquitous Starbucks that there is, in fact, a better and simpler way forward.

Dunkin Donuts may not be the sine qua non of coffee, but then neither is Starbucks. And DD costs a third for the same crap.

Coffee is coffee. Prepared espresso style or brewed/percolated. Period.

It should not be adulturated with anything, much less the myriad ridiculous Starbucks concoctions.

A latte or a capuccino is breakfast food. In Italy, if you order a latte at noon or later, you will be arrested (driving the wrong way down a one way street, however, is acceptable, as the one way sign is merely a suggestion).

The true idiot is the one who orders the Double Ristretto Venti Half-Soy Nonfat Decaf Organic Chocolate Brownie Iced Vanilla Double-Shot Gingerbread Frappuccino Extra Hot With Foam Whipped Cream Upside Down Double Blended, One Sweet'N Low and One Nutrasweet, and Ice.

Give me an effing break. Real men drink a triple espresso, period.

Librocrat said...

This is the funniest comment I have read in a while.

It's "Librocrat" though. Also, I like Mochas.

Anonymous said...

peppermint mochas, to be more specific.

Librocrat said...

Correct.