Sunday, April 15, 2007

The Fake News: George Bush Dissents, Fires Self

From the Conservative Republican Associated Press (C.R.A.P.) 04/15/2007 -

WASHINGTON -- After orchestrating the firings of several United States attorneys for disagreeing with the administration's policies, "President" Bush made his most controversial firing to date: Himself.

In the wake of the November election, the 3,000th casualty in Iraq, the four year anniversary of the Iraq war, and the soon to be 1,500th day since the declaration of "Mission Accomplished," Mr. Bush met with Karl Rove and the rest of his advisers to discuss the next step in saving his presidency.

When they left his office 5 hours later, Mr. Bush had fired himself.

In a press conference after the meeting, Mr. Rove told the Conservative Republican Associate Press, "We all agreed it was his only hope - if he wanted to save his legacy, it was time for his tenure to end."

Mr. Bush had little to say publicly on the matter, but White House spokesperson Tony Snow, through visible tears, gave the following brief announcement:

"Every day the Democrats are in office is another day that something is leaked to the press about corruption in the White House. The "President" and his advisers realized that the only possible solution was to end his presidency before more of these stories came out."

Mr. Snow paused to rub his eyes, and after blowing his nose and eating a thick glob that landed on the podium, he added "and there are many, many more that may come out."

[Vice] President Dick Cheney chose to step down as well, and in memoriam chose to spend the day at home with his family and not shooting his friends in the face.

Although Mr. Bush chose to not release a formal announcement of his resignation, the C.R.A.P. managed to catch up with him after he packed up his collection of American Girl dolls.

"Where mistakes were made, the responsibility rests with me." Mr. Bush said after a series of long hugs. "Every day the Democrat Congress seems to find something wrong with my super secret plans. It was time I resignated as honorifically as I can."

His dramatic departure was stalled after the C.R.A.P. informed Mr. Bush that with Cheney's stepping down along with him, Nancy Pelosi would be given the presidency. Mr. Bush had a mild stroke and was taken to the hospital for observation.

In other news, continuing her recent effort to bring freedom to the world, Paris Hilton spread bald eagle.

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