Dropping The Ball

Alberto Gonzales continues to make headlines with his catastrophuck-ic leadership. The Justice Department itself is ready to conduct investigations against the attorney general - the same Justice Department that he... you know... runs. Excuse me, "runs." That's like McDonald's Employees investigating their store manager for giving away free burgers. That analogy is especially apt, because both McDonald's employees and the Justice Department had similar qualifications before getting hired.

WASHINGTON, June 14 — A Justice Department internal inquiry will examine whether Attorney General Alberto R. Gonzales improperly tried to influence the testimony of a senior adviser in a private meeting in March in which the two discussed the dismissal of federal prosecutors, department officials said on Thursday.

In a letter to the Senate Judiciary Committee, the two Justice Department officials conducting the investigation said their inquiry would broaden to explore accusations made about Mr. Gonzales by the former adviser, Monica M. Goodling, in her testimony before the House Judiciary Committee on May 23.

“This is to confirm that the scope of our investigation does include this matter,” said the letter signed by the two officials, Glenn A. Fine, the department’s inspector general, and H. Marshall Jarrett, counsel for the department’s Office of Professional Responsibility.

Monica Goodling, the former adviser to Gonzales - who, by the way, is a "lawyer" (**withholding vomit**) - apparently was uncomfortable when 'Berto "comforted" her by telling her that she didn't remember anything. Uncomfortable, but not smart enough to realize how blatantly obvious he was manipulating her.

Brian Roehrkasse, a department spokesman, said in a statement, “We’ve previously stated that the attorney general has never attempted to influence or shape the testimony or public statements of any witness in this matter, including Ms. Goodling, and that the statements made by the attorney general during this meeting were intended only to comfort her in a very difficult period of her life.”

The conversation went something like this:

Alberto: "Monica, hey, let me tell you what I can remember about the Attorney firings: I had nothing to do with it. Do you have any problem with my recollection, woman whose job I am in charge of?"

Monica: "Uh... no. Maybe I would if I knew anything about the law, but since I graduated from a sub-par Christian college and have no real qualifications or background, everything seems A-okay to me."

Alberto: "Good. Because if you say anything, I'll cut you."

End Conversation.