Satire Report: The American Condition

This is a post from The American Condition. It's funny. Photos are added. Feel free and view other satire pieces from other blogs by clicking here. Or visit my own fake news stories here.

A Sneak Preview of the Republican Presidential Debate:
Names are hidden to protect the clueless, but here's a little bit of what we'll see this week...

Moderator: We went over our rules. Each of you will have 30 seconds and we'll allow a 15-second rebuttal from a second candidate. Question number one is for you, Candidate 1, the American presence in Iraq has lasted longer than World War II, we're on our third surge in a little more than a year to increase troop levels again, attacks against Americans are up, American casualties are up, Iraqi casualties are up... if you were president right now, what would you do?

Candidate 1: We need to stay the course. We haven't given this latest surge enough time. Six months should do it.

Moderator: But in each of the previous surges, they were also accompanied by a six-month time estimate, and in each the situation worsened. Isn't six months really just an arbitrary time period in order to give the public enough time to forget the previous misstep?

Candidate 1: Obviously you're not paying attention to the new history. That's the old history you're talking about. The new history is that we're doing better every day. Just ask General Petraeus.

Moderator: Speaking of General Petraeus, Candidate Two, he said this week, "The level of horrific attacks like the one that killed nine US soldiers at a patrol base in Diyala province April 23 is still too high." What is the level of horrific attacks that is acceptable?

Candidate 2: Off the top of my head, I would say a level that kills fewer than nine Americans at a time. Of course, I don't want to go out on a limb and put words in the general's mouth. It's really all the democrats fault for trying to give soldiers money the wrong way.

Moderator: Doesn't the Iraq Accountability Act actually give more money than what the republicans are asking for by additionally funding hospitalization for soldiers and veterans?

Candidate 2: That's just a slick trick to pretend they support the troops. We know how to support the troops - by not pampering them with things like health care or body armor. We're already catering their meals through private contractors. Isn't that enough? Next they'll be wanting armored vehicles and night vision goggles, too.

Moderator: The sticking point with the democratic funding bill is that the president doesn't want any deadline to leave Iraq. What incentive will Iraq have to take over control of their own country if they have no deadline?

Candidate 3: You can't just give them a date for our withdrawal or else they'll simply wait and stop the attacks until we leave. Is that what you want - peace in the country for several months while Iraq brings their own people together?...

Click here to continue.

Every Time You Vote Republican God Kills a Puppy

He was tiny.
This is him a month ago:

I don't vote Republican.

So They Kick, Push, Kick, Push, Kick, Push, Kick, Push, Coast...

Wow, an image of the Democratic presidential debate today. Look at all those candidates.

(From Right to left: Hillary Clinton, Bill Richardson, that one guy who talks a lot, the other guy with the young wife, John Edwards, the guy with the grayed version of Donald Trump's hair, Barack Obama and that guy who has no chance in hell).

Each of the people you see before you is a better candidate than any Republican.

So in the words of Lupe Fiasco:

COAST...

Freemerican Victernity Made in China

Is there going to be an end to the Freemerican Victernity Made in China (aka Iraq war - via the Colbert Report)?

No. But at least the Senate passed the spending bill that tells Bush to withdraw his troops by April 2008 passed today.

Whoopdy woo. Bush will veto it. There is no surprise there, and the problem is that Bush can veto anything he wants. I think they should take the veto power away from him. You don't give an infant a nail gun. That's too much power for such an immature person.

---------------

Unrelated question, does anyone think that a debate with 8 candidates actually changes anyone's mind? Anyone? I don't think Bill Richardson or Kucinich gained any points for appearing. Well, Kucinich may have garned some creepy old man votes from people who thought his 29 year old wife was hot.







Say hello to Elizabeth Harper Kucinich - future first lady?

Oops, I did it again

I can't believe people actually care what this psycho has to say.

Supposedly this is NeoCon Michelle Malkin being "Anti-Democrat"... it seems more like she's being pro-creepy old guys who like Asian cheerleaders.

I think I saw a video like this once before....
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Or maybe she was the person off screen whose arm you can see poking out the left of this photo?

Definition of "Malkin": An unclean woman, a slattern.

Good to See News Again

I'm still on the fence about whether or not it is a good thing to see Virginia Tech and Cho Seung-Hui not be the top search terms anymore. I think it is a good thing, because it is a sign that we are beginning to accept it and have moved passed the worst stages of the tragedy.

I chose not to post the last few days for a variety of reasons. First, my previous post was an Iraq Music Video (To the song of "Sanctuary" by Utada Hikaru) I made and put on YouTube, and I was hoping more people would see it (it took me 3 days and a month of ideas and planning). Few of my visitors watched it, but those that did gave it a great reception and I'm pleased with that. Most of my visitors were most pleased with my wheel of fortune photo that I generated, and I suppose that pleases me too.

But I do encourage people to visit my previous post by clicking the link here.

And giving me 5 stars on YouTube, of course.

However, I had a few final thoughts on Virginia Tech that I would like to open for discussion:

1) I don't think it is wrong of NBC to play the clips. I think if they hadn't played them just as many people were complaining that they were sitting on something important - and worse, the videos could come out weeks or months later, forcing the families to relive it again. Better they come out now for discussion and get it over with.

2) I don't care that Cho Seung-Hui was quiet. I don't. I don't care that he kept to himself, I don't care that he was anti-social. All I care about are the "why?" and the "who?" I care about the people who were killed, not the killer. And the only interest I have in the killer is the "Why" and an individual being "quiet" is not an answer to that question. Lots of people are quiet. My roommate is quiet. That's not informative, that doesn't open anyone's minds, that doesn't solve any problems.

3) I don't think there is anything that could have been done. Although it could be argued that the leadership at Virginia Tech should have notified all the students of the shooting, as someone who did not graduate that long ago, I can guarantee you that if someone told me that two people were killed in the dorms, I would have felt bad, worried about who it was, and gone to class as usual. It wouldn't have stopped me. This was a horrible tragedy, and I don't think anything could have been done to stop it.

I welcome your thoughts on these, though. The talking points above are malleable at this point, so I'd like to know what you believe.

Bush's Sanctuary - My Iraq Music Video

For YouTube - My Iraq Music Video:


Special thanks to all those whose work I used to help make this video. I hope I did them all justice.

Feel free and use this on your own site by visiting the link here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mmdvFrZlSCM

Anti-Choice Wins Something

There are many news reports regarding the Supreme Court's ruling to uphold the ban of "partial birth abortions." The anti-choice ("Pro-life"... pro-death penalty hypocrites) are referring to this as a tremendous victory.

Good for you. Ignoring the fact that "Partial Birth Abortion" is not actually a medical term, according to the New York Times, of 1.3 million abortions last year, 2,200 involved the procedure the ban refers to. Congratulations! You managed a victory that bans .1% of all abortions! That's like, the biggest accomplishment ever! Wow!!!

(note: it is still legal to have this procedure if the mother's life is in danger, which could account for nearly all of the 2,200).

Dipshits.

University of Washington Supports Virginia Tech

Not a Husky Today:

Wheel of Fortune - An Oldy But a Goody

I'd like to buy a vowel.

The Fake News: George Bush Dissents, Fires Self

From the Conservative Republican Associated Press (C.R.A.P.) 04/15/2007 -

WASHINGTON -- After orchestrating the firings of several United States attorneys for disagreeing with the administration's policies, "President" Bush made his most controversial firing to date: Himself.

In the wake of the November election, the 3,000th casualty in Iraq, the four year anniversary of the Iraq war, and the soon to be 1,500th day since the declaration of "Mission Accomplished," Mr. Bush met with Karl Rove and the rest of his advisers to discuss the next step in saving his presidency.

When they left his office 5 hours later, Mr. Bush had fired himself.

In a press conference after the meeting, Mr. Rove told the Conservative Republican Associate Press, "We all agreed it was his only hope - if he wanted to save his legacy, it was time for his tenure to end."

Mr. Bush had little to say publicly on the matter, but White House spokesperson Tony Snow, through visible tears, gave the following brief announcement:

"Every day the Democrats are in office is another day that something is leaked to the press about corruption in the White House. The "President" and his advisers realized that the only possible solution was to end his presidency before more of these stories came out."

Mr. Snow paused to rub his eyes, and after blowing his nose and eating a thick glob that landed on the podium, he added "and there are many, many more that may come out."

[Vice] President Dick Cheney chose to step down as well, and in memoriam chose to spend the day at home with his family and not shooting his friends in the face.

Although Mr. Bush chose to not release a formal announcement of his resignation, the C.R.A.P. managed to catch up with him after he packed up his collection of American Girl dolls.

"Where mistakes were made, the responsibility rests with me." Mr. Bush said after a series of long hugs. "Every day the Democrat Congress seems to find something wrong with my super secret plans. It was time I resignated as honorifically as I can."

His dramatic departure was stalled after the C.R.A.P. informed Mr. Bush that with Cheney's stepping down along with him, Nancy Pelosi would be given the presidency. Mr. Bush had a mild stroke and was taken to the hospital for observation.

In other news, continuing her recent effort to bring freedom to the world, Paris Hilton spread bald eagle.

First Time Magazine, Now Racism Weekly

As the Don Imus story begins to grow cold, it is time to lay blame with those who have deserved it. MSNBC recently fired Imus, followed today by CBS. Imus claims that he is not to blame. He was simply making a joke that got out of hand.

But if that's true, whose fault is it?

YOURS! That's right, it's YOU! Wow, first you're Time Magazine's person of the year and now this!

Now, I don't mean it is necessarily YOUR fault. But it is the fault of every individual who listens to so called "Shock jocks" like Don Imus, Howard Stern, Rush Limbaugh and the T-Man Show (Seattle), among others. YOU choose to listen to self-righteous fleas who make more money than you by negatively referencing women and minorities. YOU give them that money. If Imus had called the Rutgers team "Nappy Headed Hos" with his small group of friends after a long day of flipping burgers at work, who would care? No one. Because he said an ignorant joke that most people would not say but still was, indeed, a joke. But YOU gave him the outlet.

Who can forget Limbaugh's gems, like "The NAACP should have riot rehearsal. They should get a liquor store and practice robberies."

He still averages 20 million listeners.

People make jokes. Bad jokes can be misunderstood to appear sexist even if the person is not actually a sexist. But the issue is you. You, who listen to the scum sucking leeches every morning on your way to the office. You, who watch these dipshit jingoists on television do absolutely nothing of value. You, who revel in their vacuous rhetoric and barren bombast. You give value to their otherwise worthless words.

Listen - If you surround yourself with friends who make racist, bigoted jokes on a regular basis, chances are you're probably a racist. Similarly, if you listen to some dumbass on the radio consistently make ignorant, inflammatory remarks, chances are you're an ignorant dumbass as well.

So stop listening to them and they will stop. Stop giving them some kind of importance. Turn off your damn radio, and they will disappear with it.

Kurt Vonnegut Dies at 84

Kurt Vonnegut, author of "Slaughterhouse Five" and many others, died today at 84 years old. He suffered from an irreversible brain injury from a fall he had a few weeks back.

I didn't know his work well, but I do know he will be missed by English Majors and literature buffs everywhere.

Mr. Vonnegut wrote plays, essays and short fiction. But it was his novels that became classics of the American counterculture, making him a literary idol, particularly to students in the 1960s and ’70s. Dog-eared paperback copies of his books could be found in the back pockets of blue jeans and in dorm rooms on campuses throughout the United States.

Link to the story

It Really Makes You Appreciate The Earth

I found this picture on The Reaction:

These are the girls from the Philippines vying for the title of Miss World. Oh... and there's a global warming sign next to them. Yeah. I didn't notice it either.

Bush wants Czar. Generals Want Out.

According to the Seattle Times, retired Army generals are being contacted to be "War Czar" of Iraq and Afghanistan. But the generals are turning down the offer.

WASHINGTON — The White House wants to appoint a high-powered czar to oversee the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, with authority to issue directions to the Pentagon, State Department and other agencies, but has had trouble finding anyone able and willing to take the job.

At least three retired four-star generals approached by the White House in recent weeks have declined to be considered for the position, according to people close to the situation. The rejections underscore the administration's difficulty in enlisting someone for the job after five years of warfare that have taxed the United States and its military.

"The very fundamental issue is, they don't know where the hell they're going," said retired Marine Gen. John J. "Jack" Sheehan, a former top NATO commander who was among those rejecting the job. "So rather than go over there, develop an ulcer and eventually leave, I said, 'No thanks.' "

The Complete Story

Sheehan, and others, have understood what the administration and the 30% of Americans that support it have failed to: That the war in Iraq isn't going anywhere, and shouldn't have begun in the first place.

"There's the residue of the Cheney view — 'We're going to win, al-Qaida's there' — that justifies anything we did," [Sheehan] said. "And then there's the pragmatist view — how the hell do we get out of Dodge and survive? Unfortunately, the people with the former view are still in the positions of most influence." Sheehan said he wrote a note March 27 declining interest.

Although, maybe Jack Sheehan is the person we need in that position. He certainly has his priorities straight. I've been looking for his email to tell him, but I can't locate it.

EVANGELICALS DEMAND A ‘WHITE CHOCOLATE’ JESUS

This is a gem from the Satirical Political Report.

What's funny is how Falwell and all the Christian right made fun of Muslims and Islam for being mad at the Mohamed Cartoon (which actually made fun of Mohamed, rather than a chocolate version of him). Hypocrites.

EVANGELICALS DEMAND A ‘WHITE CHOCOLATE’ JESUS

The Reverend Jerry Falwell issued a statement today explaining that the Christian Right had no problem with the concept of an anatomically correct “Chocolate Jesus,” but was adamantly opposed to a “racially incorrect Chocolate Jesus.”

The “My Sweet Lord” display in New York City, canceled last week in response to “a choir of complaining Catholics,” was created from more than 200 pounds of milk chocolate, and thus, according to Falwell, falsely implied that Jesus was a black man.

Although many historians believe that Jesus may well have been black, evangelicals insisted that white chocolate should have been used, not only for Jesus, but for candy Easter Bunnies as well. As James Dobson, founder of Hocus-Pocus on the Family, put it: “Let the Jews use dark chocolate in their Hanukkah gelt, they’re all going to hell anyway.”

William Donohue, the omnipresent talking-head cable guy of the Catholic League, was also outraged: “How would the Muslims feel if the artist had done a ‘Falafel Mohammed’ during Ramadan?”

Pat Robertson also angrily condemned the display, claiming that the rather substantial size of the chocolate penis further fed the myth that Jesus was black.

Robertson further complained that the chocolate penis was circumcised, claiming that “the artist is also trying to falsely depict Jesus as a Jew.”

However, the Rev. Al Sharpton maintained that the work of art “wasn’t black enough, since everyone knows that white men can’t jump, let alone rise.”

News from the Smaller Blogs

It's time to give the smaller liberal blogs a shout out. Here are recent posts from smaller blogs:

Too Saucy analyzes the movie "The Lake House." The first line of the review:

"Do not, repeat, do not ever allow yourself to be finagled into watching an abortion called "The Lake House."

Disinterested Party reviews one "Scholar's" opinion of evolution - namely that the earth is 10,000 years old.

Silent Lucidity has an article about the recent story about Bush almost blowing himself up with a Hydrogen car.

Liberal College Kid saw Al Gore on Campus.

Truman's Conscience has local Florida Democratic party news.

Iowa Liberal talks about Barack Obama visiting Iowa recently.

Jefferson Davis is inspired.

Crimson, White and Indigo shares various links, including this one, about Nuking Jupiter.

The Flatland Almanac Chronicles has a post about judging the eggs of America.

Speaking of Ashes has an article about racism.

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Enjoy.

Pope to Bush - Go Fudge Yourself

As a Jew, my knowledge of Easter is limited to the idea of children trying to find colorful eggs that a rabbit pooped out of its butt. But I assume that the pope is considered an important figure in the holiday.

From the New York Times:

VATICAN CITY (AP) -- Even on Christianity's most joyous day, Pope Benedict XVI lamented the ''continual slaughter'' in Iraq and unrest in Afghanistan as he denounced ''the thousand faces of violence which some people attempt to justify in the name of religion.''

''Afghanistan is marked by growing unrest and instability,'' Benedict said. ''In the Middle East, besides some signs of hope in the dialogue between Israel and the Palestinian Authority, unfortunately, nothing positive comes from Iraq, torn apart by continual slaughter as the civil population flees.''

I think once the Pope says the war in Iraq is a catastrophuck, it may be time to give it a rest. It's good to see that the highest religious figure in Catholicism also thinks George Bush is an idiot.

Judy Giulaini - Puppy Killer

Interesting Story: Judith Giuliani, Rudy's wife, worked for a firm that kills puppies:

The New York Post:

April 2, 2007 -- Judith Giuliani once demonstrated surgical products for a controversial medical-supply company that used dogs - which were later killed - in operations whose only purpose was to sell equipment to doctors, The Post has learned.

"It was a horribly cruel, outrageous program," Friends of Animals President Priscilla Feral said about the demonstrations of medical staplers on dogs conducted by U.S. Surgical Corp. employees during Giuliani's tenure there in the late 1970s.

Feral said U.S. Surgical's demonstrations on hundreds of dogs each year through the 1970s, 1980s and 1990s were done to boost sales, not for medical research or testing.

The dogs were "either put to death following the sales demonstrations because they can't re cover from them, or they die during them," Feral said.

"I'm not going to characterize her, but I hope she regrets it for what it was - a money-grubbing effort," said Feral, whose Darien, Conn.-based activist group waged a heated public-relations battle with the Norwalk-based company for more than a decade.

"I guess the question would be, how does she justify this now? What is her conscience at this stage?" Feral asked about Giuliani's association with U.S. Surgical.

"There's no ethical justification for this."

In Sunday's Post, Rudy Giuliani's presidential campaign spokesman, Michael McKeon, said of Judi Giuliani's work with U.S. Surgical, "She was in the operating room hundreds of times, using her nursing skills and training doctors in the stapling technique."

Asked yesterday about the procedure being performed on dogs, McKeon said, "I've never heard any of this before."

Then McKeon said he would have to ask Judi.

Finally, he said only that Judi had not been involved in procuring dogs for sales demonstrations - but did not comment on whether she participated in demonstrations involving dogs.

Judi Giuliani joined the company as a saleswoman in North Carolina in 1975 after spending a year working as a nurse.

At age 19, she married fellow U.S. Surgical salesman Jeffrey Ross, who she only recently disclosed was the first of her three husbands.

Giuliani spent four years at U.S. Surgical.

The company, now part of Tyco Healthcare, has long acknowledged its salespeople routinely demonstrated staples on anesthetized dogs as part of sales pitches to doctors.

Then-CEO Leon Hirsch defended the practice in the 1980s, saying there was no other way to properly show how the staplers worked.

"A dead dog doesn't bleed," Hirsch said in a 1988 issue of Time magazine. "You need to have real blood-flow conditions, or you get a false sense of security."

O'Reilly's Face Explodes. Geraldo Still At Large

In case you haven't seen it already, this is a cat fight between Geraldo Rivera and Bill O'Reilly. See if you can catch the exact moment that Bill O'Reilly's face explodes.

From YouTube:

The saddest part is that Geraldo is right. But they both can't be wrong. Hilarious though. Hilarious.

Comment freely

Senior Education Department Official Makes Money From Loans

The General Manager of the Office of Financial Aid took out stock in the parent company of "Student Loan Xpress." Matteo Fontana sold roughly 100,000 dollars in shares while he was helping oversee lenders in the student loan program.

Read more about it in the New York Times.

And feel free and contact him with your disappointment, here:
matteo.fontana@ed.gov
(202)377-3005

What if you could always have the edge of the brownie

I'll leave you a moment for your eyes to adjust. Yes... this is the Baker's Edge: Edge brownie pan. It cooks brownies, it's all edges. I'm still trying to figure out a way to make this political, but this is too sweet for words.

Gonzales Aid Refuses to Testify

From the New York Times:

Bush Aide Refuses Private Interview

A senior Justice Department aide refused to submit to a private interview with the House Judiciary Committee, which is investigating the dismissal of eight United States attorneys. The aide, Monica Goodling, on leave from her job as senior counsel to Attorney General Alberto R. Gonzales, had said she would assert her Fifth Amendment right against compelled self-incrimination to avoid testifying in public.

...But there is nothing illegal. Seriously. She is afraid she will incriminate herself with legal truths. They are really scary, those legal truths. I'm afraid of them too.

Did we mention she went to a school taught founded by Pat Robertson designed to promote evangelical values?

In other breaking news, George Bush retaliates against critics of his keeping failing staff members by firing himself.

Hyundai QarmaQ - The Environmentally Friendly Car

This is a concept car from Hyundai called the QarmaQ. It's much lighter than average cars, and the weight will save 20 gallons of gas a year - which is not a whole lot, but if enough people drive it...

What's different is that it's made with recycled plastic. That whole outer frame is recycled. It's fair to say that when you decide to "Go Green" or Reduce gas usage or what have you, you can still make a pretty sweet looking car.

I wouldn't mind seeing my next president driving one of those. That would be an interesting way to fight global warming. If only they made it a hybrid.

.....

Of course if someone were to buy me the Bugatti Veyron, the most expensive (like 1.4 million), fastest street legal car in the world, I'd forgive them for their gas wasting. The car goes like 400 miles an hour.